Close Encounters of the Doritorio Kind

Bloreog the Oreo Blog began five years ago. After half a decade of ardently following Nabisco's premiere snack cookie product, I want more. New flavors arrive every few months, but few inspire. Gingerbread was a decent Christmas treat; Java Chip is solid, but lacks punch; Brookie-O is a sugary mess best forgotten. Maple Oreos are a Fall family favorite but what is there to say? We've all had Maple cookies. We've all had Oreos. '

I needed something moreo.

On New Years Eve an old friend tweeted the Doritorio Meme. A Dorito flavored Oreo, combining two iconic snack treats into one? It's been a solid business model for fast-food corporations for the past decade, starting, if I recall, with the Doritos Locos Taco at Taco Bell. A classic! Still good! He joked: if only we had a machine that could create such a snack confection.

I do.

I have.

I've longed to sit down with OR3O, my first born son and closest friend, for awhile now, but he's been busy stored upside-down in a closet filled with miscellaneous crap.  Approaching the Doritorio problem,  I knew I needed his expertise. Ground rules were set by my wife: I was not allowed to use any good food in this quest, which meant none of the Queso in the fridge I'd planned to use as a substitute creme.

That was hurdle one. The second was that my original design called for home-made cheese crackers shaped like Oreos, but I am very lazy.

I settled for scraping off (most of) the creme from Winter Oreos I had hidden in OR3O a few months ago. Oreos stay good for a long time if you don't open them, but even open you can eat them for years, as long as you don't mind a chewy cookie. Some people even pay a premium for the pleasure of a chewy cookie. Suckers.

My stroke of genius came when I realized how to make a perfect Doritorio creme. I crushed up a small bag of Nacho Cheese Doritos and then mixed them with some week-old sour cream for thickness and texture. Not that the cream was rotten or anything, but it was the bottom of the tub and thus aged a little more than had I used a fresh one. Bold solutions call for bold flavors.

The result was a photogenic chunky filling, divergent from the traditionally smooth & chalky Oreo creme experience.

My wife was in the next room, trying as hard as she could to ignore my experimentation, which is fine, because true science is done without collaborators in a half-lit kitchen using baby utensils for precision. 

It's important to note she was nearby, because she heard my unintentional hurking when the sour-creme nacho-cheesy mess of crisp cookie and chippy chunks hit my taste buds. Quite vile! 

Like Icarus, I had flown too close to the sun.

I'd planned to continue experimenting with a few Oreo forms I have been dreaming of for years, but was told in no uncertain terms that she did not want to watch me vomit tonight, and that it was time to stop. Fair enough. A good scientist knows his limits. 

Next time I'll use Spicier Nacho, for that little extra "zing!"

tiramasu oreo: let me tell you about my dreams

let me tell you about my dreams

When I was a little boy I dreamed vividly. Mostly terrible visions. Roller coasters to hell. Laughing monsters. Cannibal giants.

As an adult those anxieties ceased. I don't remember my dreams as frequently. They fade, like everything else, as the days turn to weeks and the weeks into months and everything becomes a blur of brief anticipation, occurrence, and limited reflection. Night time is functional. I don't even like sleeping.

let me tell you about a dream I had in 2016:

I was in a library. The sort of rich library I live near - one with so much private investment that it has a glass atrium that seems to touch the sky, letting natural light illuminate the books. Books look better in sunlight. But I wasn't there for books. I was weighing a sophie's choice: would I purchase the Cherry Oreos, or the Wild Cherry Oreos? I couldn't decide. I couldn't taste them: I do not eat in dreams. I started to cry. I'd waited so long for a Cherry flavored Oreo, and now I was faced with an impossible decision.

I woke up in a sweat, you know. It happens. I never got my Cherry Oreos ( unless you count the god-awful Cherry Cola Oreos. You shouldn't ).  In my waking hours I've imagined other flavors. Peach. Green Tea. Blueberry (not pie). Those desires come true sometimes: Key Lime Pie, S'Mores, that sort of thing. I've been at this for a decade, and thus far only Cherry and a good Coffee flavor have eluded me. Recall that 2017's Mocha Oreos were so disappointing I stopped reviewing for over a year? It is what it is.

I don't dream at night as often anymore.

To be honest I had no idea what Tiramisu was before hearing about this Oreo. My wife disrespects that deficiency. It's fine. These Oreos are basically Nabisco's way of marketing a full-sized version of their (fantastic) Latte Thin, with an added bit of vanilla creme to cut the cappuccino flavoring. It is a good goddamn cookie, made for me and  packaged into $4 Limited Edition blue plastic. My brother dropped off two packages of Tiramisu Oreos on my doorstep at 2am one night. I was eagerly anticipating them. A bright light in a frustrating time.

Every night for the past six weeks I have fed my one year old son an Oreo after dinner. At the start of our lockdown I had my brother pick up a selection of flavors of him to try. Mint, Lemon, Dark Chocolate, and Regular. All proved popular (why not?). There is therapeutic benefit in watching your son eat an Oreo. Each cookie is the size of his hand. I can eat five in a sitting. He takes five minutes to eat one, bit by bit.

He has a word for them - 'na na na na.'

Sometimes he breaks his oreo in half. Sometimes he eats the cookie first, sometimes the opposite. One such time he let the klump of creme slide out of his mouth in one green minty mess which he then ate anyway. Sometimes it breaks in half and he loses a piece down his high chair, only to find it later after we've already removed the tray and washed his hands. He smiles when he does that. He smiles when he hears me opening the package, because he knows. When he doesn't get a cookie, he screams. I don't blame him.

The evening after my brother dropped off the Tiramisu Oreso off I  fed some to my son, unsure whether he would like the taste. They're not strong - still sweet - but different. It was clearly his most favorite. The creme is slightly softer than other varieties of Oreo, probably due to the dual-creme nature. His dessert time was messier. He was so happy. His cheeks were covered in creme and cookie.

na na na na. let me tell you about my dream.

100 Oreo Flavors: Ranked

In the past decade, I have tried (almost) every Oreo released with two caveats:

1) I am allergic to peanuts and any form of nut. Therefore, I have not tried and cannot rank: Peanut Butter, Reeses Peanut Butter, Rocky Road Trip, Pistachio, Hazelnut Spread, or PB&J Oreo.

2) Chocolate w/ Lemon Filling was never released in the Indianapolis Market or any market in which I have friends or relatives. Same with Orange Tang (only in the UAE) or many interesting flavors found only in Asian markets. These are not ranked, unless I had access to them via a gift from friends or family. I did once create a chocolate + lemon cookie on my own, but I won't rank it regardless.

Additionally, this ranking does not necessarily include certain shape-only variants, i.e. cookies where the only difference was the shape on the cookie itself with no difference in creme (taste or color). Football Oreo, Game of Thrones Oreo, etc. Just consider them ranked alongside Double-Stuf, which is what they usually are.

The ranking is from #100 (worst Oreo) to #1 (best Oreo). I would gladly try anything below #70 again, but my heart is with the bottom 30 or so.


Without further ado:

#	Ranked:
100	Hot Chicken Wing Oreo
99	Swedish Fish Oreo
98	Neopolitan Triple-Double Oreo
97	Wasabi Oreo
96	Reduced Fat Oreo
95	Kettle Corn Oreo
94	Cherry Cola Oreo
93	Watermelon Oreo
92	Cotton Candy Oreo
91	Chocolate Marshmellow Oreo
90	Chocolate Strawberry Oreo
89	Mystery Oreo 2 (Churro)
88	Mega Stuf Golden Oreo
87	Banana Split Oreo
86	Cookies & Creme Oreo
85	Marshmellow Crispie Oreo
84	Rainbow Sher, Bert! Oreo
83	Fruity Crisps Oreo
82	Mystery 1 (Fruity Crisps)
81	Candy Corn Oreo
80	Sugar Free Oreo
79	Jelly Donut Oreo
78	Cookie Dough Oreo
77	Fruit Punch Oreo
76	Berry Ice Cream Oreo
75	Filled Cupcake Oreo
74	Triple-Double Oreo
73	Mint Triple-Double Oreo
72	Cookie Dough Oreo
71	Peeps (Golden)
70	Troll Oreo (both)
69	Firework Oreo
68	Brownie Batter Oreo
67	Birthday Cake Oreo (Golden)
66	Birthday Cake Oreo
65	Peeps (Chocolate)
64	Love Oreo
63	Mega Stuf Oreo
62	Raspberry Fudge Creme
61	Fudge Covered Oreo
60	Fudge Covered Mint Oreo
59	Mint Cookies & Creme Oreo
58	Cookie Butter Oreo
57	Blueberry Pie Oreo
56	Apple Pie Oreo
55	DQ Blizzard
54	Mississppi Mud Pie
53	Orange Cremesicle
52	Easter Egg Oreo
51	Winter Oreo (Red)
50	Candy Cane Oreo
49	Most Stuf
48	Summer Oreo (Blue)
47	Spring Oreo (Yellow)
46	The American Creme (Red / White / Blue)
45	Choco Brownie
44	Golden Fudge Creme
43	Pina Colada Thins
42	Strawberry Shortcake Ice Cream Bar
41	Marshmellow Moon Oreo
40	Toasted Coconut Oreo
39	Dark Chocolate Creme
38	Chocolate Creme
37	Fudge Covered Dark Chocolate Oreo
36	Thins: Golden
35	Coconut Fudge Creme
34	Thins: Coconut
33	Peppermint Bark Oreo
32	Lemon Oreo
31	Fudge Creme
30	Red Velvet Oreo
29	Cinnamon Bun Oreo
28	Caramel Apple Oreo
27	Gingerbread Oreo
26	Golden Oreo
25	Heads or Tails Oreo
24	Maple Creme Oreo
23	Pumpkin Spice Oreo
22	Mint Fudge Creme
21	Caramel Coconut Oreo
20	White Chocolate Covered
19	Oreo Thins
18	Key Lime Pie
17	Hot & Spicy Cinnamon Oreo
16	Thins: Salted Caramel
15	Strawberry Milkshake
14	Birthday Cake Fudge Creme
13	Uh-Oh Oreo
12	Carrot Cake Oreo
11	Double-Stuf Oreo
10	Double-Stuf Golden
9	Thins: Mint Oreo
8	Root Beer Float Oreo
7	Thins: Latte Oreo
6	S'More Oreo
5	Waffles & Syrup Oreo
4	Halloween Oreo
3	Limeade Oreo
2	Mint Oreo
1	Oreo

Marshmellow Moon Oreos: That's Amoreo

[to the tune of That's Amore]

(In Nappy town where love is king
When boy meets cookie here's what they say)

When the marshmellow moon hits your mouth with its fume

That's amoreo

When the violet crème just makes you want to scream

That's amoreo

Buds will ring ting-a-ling-a-ling, ting-a-ling-a-ling

And you'll sing "vita nabiscoreo"

Hearts will beat tippy-tippy-tay, tippy-tippy-tay

Like a gay tarantula

When the shapes make you drool just like a complete fool

That's amoreo

When you down all three rows and you’re feeling real gross

That’s amoreo

When the world sugar hits hard and you can’t move your lard

That's amoreo

When your stomach feels poor but you need just one more -

Dreaming signoreo

Buds will ring ting-a-ling-a-ling, ting-a-ling-a-ling
And you'll sing "Vita nabiscoreo

Hearts will beat tippy-tippy-tay, tippy-tippy-tay
Like a gay tarantula

Lucky Fella

But the pack is all done, so you buy another one

That's amoreo

That's amoreo, (amoreo)
That's amoreo

S'More Sappy Oreo Nostalgia

S'More Sappy Posts about Oreo Cookies

S'More Oreos could be called Smoreos, but if they did that I would sue them for copyright infringement as the owner of any contraction – pun using the word “Oreo.” Put that between your cookies and toast it.

The first time these delightful cookies were released was back in April 2015, around the time I was leaving my job at Half-Price Books. That job is when all of this really started in earnest: I would buy packs of Oreos with the intention of bringing them in to see how my coworkers felt about them. Oreos were a part of my life before working at Half-Price but it wasn't until that job that I really had a way of not just eating a ton by myself and getting burned out. Bringing cookies to work has continued through other jobs to this day. I am introduced to new coworkers as “The Oreo Guy.”

My last month at Half-Price remains bittersweet. Every May I feel a wistful mixture of nostalgia and contemplation, the kind that only comes with knowing you closed out a period of your life in the right way. It's not a common feeling. I don't miss working at the bookstore, but think about parts of it frequently: long Saturdays spent buying books from customers; the transition from scorching temps out behind the building to the air conditioning after taking out he trash; standing at the register in a down period and looking up the long list of books I was hoping to buy from other stores; leaving that night knowing we'd done a good job, or at least an adequate one, prepared to come back 9 hours later and start the cycle all over again. Dealing with complicated customers. My coworkers, all practicing some kind of art or hobby that made me realize the best way to be an adult was to make something meaningful. I'd have never had the confidence to meet my wife if I hadn't had that job. I remember my goodbye party too, where I brought chocolate chip cookies with Oreos inside of them. Blue cookies Classic. Green for Mint. Red for S'Mores. Amazing. And my other goodbye party, where I got drunk in my coworker's back yard and made a giant S'More with big chocolate chip cookies, kit-kats, and other insane fixings. I could eat like that back then.

Most of all the feeling of belonging with a group of people in a way I had never felt before, and really haven't felt since. I've since belonged in different ways to different communities. What you need changes. But thank god I experienced that.

S'More Oreos showed up again in 2016 but by then I was in a much worse place. I'm better now. These cookies give me the right feelings. No negative associations.

Cookie: Graham Cracker.

Creme: Marshmallow + Milk Chocolate

Gorgeability: Incredible, maybe one of the most addicting Oreos of all time.

5/5

Do OR-3Os Dream of Electric Cream?

A Bloreogger is first and foremost an explorer. A thinker. An adventurer. Full commitment to our craft is always assured, dear reader. Yet from time to time readers ask me, "What do you think of Hydrox?" "What do you think of Duplex?" "What, Bloreogger, do you think of Cream Betweens."
I usually laugh and explain that I love all sandwich cookies equally, that some are better than others but any will do in a pinch. However, I do not review any "off-brand" delights.

This morning I was provided with a package of KaleidOs, the Kroger Supermarket version of Oreo. In my excitement I promised a review. A new frontier - but how could I manage this vast new array of treats without going insane again?

Explorer. Thinker. Adventurer. Scientist.

Introducing my new partner in this wonderful lifelong adventure: OR-3O the Oreoid.

I have decided to dedicate this Bloreog entry to the first test-run of OR-3O on the very KaleidOs that spawned his existence. As with any good scientist, I have documented the process.

OR-3O 1.0

1. Set-Up. OR-3O uses Firewire 3.0 for maximum speeds.

2. Cookie Calibration. I input the basic expectations for your average Oreo Cookie, roughly 5.0 ORs.

 3. Feeding. I make sure to provide both a full cookie as well as a split cookie. OR-3O is not yet waterproof, and therefore cannot run a Milk Taste Test.

4. I examine the results of our first test. You don't say, OR-3O.

1. IMPORT: KALEIDO
2. PROFILE: [CHOCOLATE COOKIE]
3. PROFILE: [VANILLA CREME]
4. BASE VALUE: 5.0
5. RUN SAMPLE = YES
6. TESTING
7. TESTING
8. TESTING
9. TESTING
10. VALUE: {CHOCOLATE} : 4.0 OR
11. VALUE: {CREME} : 5.0 OR
12. VALUE: {MILK TT} : ERROR
13. VALUE:  {GORGEABILITY} : 7
14. VALUE: {OVERALL SCORE} 4/5 
15. I LOVE YOU, FATHER.

Conclusions:

Once again I must take time to thank my brother Eric, who helped me construct this new tool for achieving my Bloreogging dreams.

OR-3O is proof that a dream followed is a dream achieved. But dreams alone won't always take you across the finish line. Study often, study hard. Put down those tablets and smartphones. Pick up a book. A galaxy of knowledge is available at your local library!

Most Stuf Oreo: Oreocalypse Now

Most Stuf Oreo

When I first accepted the Bloreogger life I knew what my choice meant. I would review every Oreo variety. Fruit Punch. Golden. Strawberry. Blueberry Pie. Apple Pie. Mint. Peppermint. Mint Chocolate Chip. Peeps. Peeps2.  Double-Stuf. “Mega Stuf.” Peeps. Mocha. Swedish Fish. Hot Chicken Wing. 

It was written I should be loyal to the nightmare of my cookie.

How do I get my Oreos? I keep an eye on Nabisco's press releases. I know my orders. A special trick? There's no trick. I just search, a linear hunt from store to store. Day to day. Week to week. Obsessively. Meijer, Target, Wal-mart, Dollar General. Walgreens, CVS, Kroger.  Regardless the flavor, the price, the calorie count. Regardless of whether I will even like them.

My brother Eric – bearded, congenial – works in the depths of the Carmel Meijer, managing their absurd and endless stream of new grocery product. He gives me a heads up sometimes. Today I was shopping there after work. He didn't know I was there, that I was in fact standing in the Cookie aisle.  I searched amongst the dozen varieties of cookies. Where were they? Nowhere to be found. 

I stood dejected, contemplating when I might see them. Should I purchase some other cookies to fill the void? No. I had only one target, and only that single target would complete my journey. 

I glanced at my phone. A text. From Eric. “I have something your heart most desires.” I knew immediately. This was it. We met by Electronics. He had two packages fresh from the crate. We rang them up on the spot. We opened the packages, each containing only 18 cookies.

I've written about Oreo Stuf before, and how the traditional cookie is a perfect ratio of chocolate cardboard + sugary something. Double-Stuf are inferior. Mega-Stuf are truly inferior. But Most Stuf are the cookie of our age, the end result of a Nabisco's decade of Oreo experimentation. Most Stuf Oreos are the cookie at the end of the river. Broken, shameless, but enlightened as to their purpose. The Most Stuf. Nothing more. And nothing less. Nothing left.

Eating Most Stuf Oreo: one bite contains the entire grainy Stuf substance of a lone traditional Oreo, but the cookie takes at least three bites to complete. An entire serving of Oreo in three bites. It fucks with you a little bit. Your tongue numbs. Your mouth fills with saliva. The immediate aftermath, a woozy feeling as the sugar hits. Disorientation. You can't stop. Continue. Complete the cookie. Drive home or sit down. Feel it hit your gut. Guilt? Pain. Realization. Actualization.

The horror, the horror.

Hop your way to the store to get Carrot Cake Oreos.

Carrot Cake Oreo

History:

Carrot Cake Oreo are the first Oreo flavor to make my office workers say “Thanks” instead of the usual “Why did you bring these in.” I call that a win! 

They were first released in January 2019, a three-month-early prelude to Easter. Carrots - I hear Jesus loved them.

2018 saw a lot of experimental flavors (Cherry Cola, Kettle Corn, etc), so it’s nice to see a standard “other desert made Oreo flesh” kinda thing happening here. I can’t usually eat Carrot Cake because people are dicks about adding nuts to their recipes.

Oh.

Anyway, I liked allergen-free Carrot Cake I have eaten in the past, and this is one of the best cookies I’ve had from Oreo in awhile. Like, really. I think the last cookie I’ve felt this strongly about were the Waffle & Syrup variety. This is a strong contender for my Top 10 Oreo list. Half of which you can no longer buy. Sorry.

Cookie:

They’re the first cookie to have a ‘carrot cake’ cookie which is basically just slightly lighter ‘graham’ flavor.

Icing:

Cream Cheese, just like the earlier Red Velvet variety. But honestly it tastes just like regular vanilla icing - the kind you'd buy out of a can in the middle aisles of a grocery. Growing up it was a Dossey family snack to just take a graham cracker and cover it with a thick layer of icing. Delicious. That's how Carrot Cake Oreos taste, except in compact cookie form.

Milk Taste Test:

Yep, checks out.

Goregeability:

My 2019 diet is fucked.

I Love Oreo but I don't Love, Oreo

Love, Oreo

history:

Love, Oreo is the latest in a line of ambiguous Oreo flavors designed to attract curious consumers. A few years ago Nabiso released Mystery Oreo, which turned out to be Fruity Pebble. A goddamn re-release. Guess what: Love, Oreo is another goddamn re-release. Is it right for Nabisco to co-opt the concept of Love as a way of selling a repeat variant of their signature snack cookie?  I've bought every single flavor of Oreo released in the past seven years, so I can't give you a straight answer on that.  

I considered reviewing these Oreos erotically, maybe describing the way my tongue pleasantly licked the pink tartness or bringing up an “oreo-face” or calling it a “gangbang of flavors.” But I'm not into Love, Oreo. I could sit here pounding away on my couch but it's tough to get it going without passion.

Like I said: Love, Oreo is a repackaged flavor,  essentially a slightly fruitier version of the evergreen Lemon flavor. These might have been developed as Pink Lemonade Oreo at one point and then pushed out of the schedule because they found something more interesting to release this summer (I hope they're bringing S'Moreos back after a 3-year hiatus).

To me that's not Love. Being repackaged with a special name to make me all excited but then the same old, same old. Grumpier people might make jokes to make about how that's the natural trajectory of all relationships or some cynical bullshit but I don't believe that and generally that isn't what I've witnessed in a majority of the long-term romances I've seen. Certainly not my romance with Oreo, a cookie I actively crave day in and day out. I will always  Love Oreo but I'll never Love, Oreo again.

cookie:

chocolate, baby!

Crème:

Pink and lemony.

Milk-dunk test:

I didn't bother.

Gorgeability:

I ate several over time but I'm on a goddamn diet.

Wasabi Oreo & Hot Chicken Wing Oreo: Rare Imports

Wasabi Oreo & Hot Chicken Wing Oreo

Those in-the-know can write reams about the way American Snack-Food Imperialism has adapted products like Kit Kats for foreign markets. It's that way across the world, on every continent (fyi the Kit Kats out of Europe are the absolute bomb). For Western tongues the flavors that emanate out of China and Southeast Asia are particularly legendary. Japan, for instance, has Rum Raisin, Green Tea (which are great), Blueberry, and Grape Kit Kat bars. Good shit.

Oreo has taken awhile to get on the bandwagon, at least in terms of advertising their geography-locked flavors globally to build up hype. Last August's announcement of Wasabi and Hot Chicken Wing flavors spread across the internet like wildfire, but getting them was still pretty difficult. I was holding off – at $10 a pack, getting both would be a real price to pay for what sounded like horrible cookies. Thankfully my friend Danitza got them for me for Christmas.

They arrived today, 1 / 2 / 2019 in a package that looked somewhat suspicious to my wife. Turns out it was a transpacific flavor bomb.

I opened them as soon as I arrived at home, taking one of each and placing them on a plate for ocular appreciation. They're thinner than regular Oreos, ever-so-slightly smaller and less creme filled.

Time to dig in.

Wasabi Oreos

Back in Junior High some of my friends would snack on Wasabi-flavored chickpeas. I was never a huge fan of the snack but I would eat pretty much anything back then, and they did the trick. I have wasabi in other dishes from time to time. The idea of Wasabi flavored Oreos wasn't terribly odd.

As always chocolate Oreo flavor once again sucks and can't really go it alone - it has to mesh with the creme. That's a problem with most of the bad Oreos. The blunt 'chocolate' of an Oreo cookie does not mix well with the Wasabi flavor. It's terrible. Not life-changing terrible, but bad enough that I couldn't think of a reason to finish an entire cookie. 

Thinking positively, I think there may well be an audience for this cookie. If you love Wasabi flavor, and don't mind mixing it with chocolate, you may actually enjoy it.

Hot Chicken Wing

 what  the fuck did we expect? 

The Bloreog the Oreo Blog 2018 Yeareo in Revieweog

Bloreog the Oreo Blog went on a hiatus after the dismal and disappointing Mocha Oreos in summer 2017. Sorry. I just couldn't to it anymore. My dream flavor was a nightmare. Flavors from 2017 I never reviewed: Apple Pie, Pumpkin Pie, Cookie Butter, Mystery (Fruity Pebbles), Hot Cocoa. You didn't miss much.

But I don't want to go for the whole of 2018 without providing at least one review. So I'll do you one better:

THE BLOREOG THE OREO BLOG 2018 YEAREO IN REVIEWEOG.

FLAVOR: Chocolate Hazlenut

STYLE: Golden Cookies and Nutella icing.

VERDICT: It's not like I was even able to eat this, so, none. I'm sure you might have liked them, but you can't get them anymore because they came out last February.

FLAVOR: Hot & Spicy Cinnamon

STYLE: Chocolate cookies with cinnamon icing.

VERDICT: Goddamn delicious! I at several of these. Spicey aftertaste. Particularly great if you take a box of them into a bar and dip them in a porter.

FLAVOR: Peeps Oreos 2

STYLE: Chocolate (!) Cookies with Marshmellow Frosting

VERDICT: Honestly, fantastic! I love the chocolate + purple icing combo as a visual, and I'm a fan of the gritty marsh mellow delight that are Peeps. These were some of my favorites this year.

FLAVOR: Cherry Cola

STYLE: Chocolate cookies at “cherry cola” icing.

VERDICT: I once had a dream about finding Cherry & Black Cherry oreos at the Fishers library and being forced to choose between them. This is a dream flavor of mine. It's still a dream flavor of mine – give me some of that sharp Starburst flavor cherry bullshit between two bland chocolate wafers. Slap the Oreo logo on them. Watch me sob with joy. This ain't that. The Cherry Cola Oreo is trying to approximate the flavor of Cherry Coke, which is kind of a bullshit flavor anyway. These were honestly terrible.

FLAVOR: Kettle Corn

SYLE: Golden cookies with “kettle corn” icing.

VERDICT: For some reason they wanted to make the experience as authentic to Kettle Korn as possible, which meant including what felt like real corn kernal shells in the icing to get stuck in your teeth? The flavor is mostly that of 'butter,' which made it worse. No.

FLAVOR: Pina Colada Thins

STYLE: Golden wafers with Pina Colada icing.

VERDICT: These were delicious, but I'm a fan of fake pineapple.

FLAVOR: Chocolate Peanut Bueter Pie

STYLE: Chocolate with Peanut Butter filling

VERDICT: Once again, I can't eat these, so – no. But you can still buy them at Wal Mart.

FLAVOR: Good Humor Strawberry Shortcake

STYLE: Golden + Strawberry cookies with Strawberry filling.

VERDICT: Delicious, but essentially the same flavor as the previous Strawberry flavors they've released, including the one I reviewed a few years ago here.

FLAVOR: Rocky Road Trip

STYLE: Chocolate w/ Rocky Road filling.

VERDICT: Technically the nuts in this are 'soy nut infusions,' which may well be edible for me with my allergy. But I never felt safe trying them, and by the time these came out I was on a diet and basically gave up on Oreos anyway.

FLAVOR: Peppermint Bark

STYLE: Chocolate cookies with Peppermint icing.

VERDICT: Similar to Peppermint two years ago, but with two-color icing. Whatever.

Anyway, that's my 2018 Oreo Year in Review.

Mocha Oreo :(

Mocha Oreo.

History: 

Like everyone I have daily rituals and coffee is amongst my most sacred. Not surprising. I started drinking coffee in college as an alternative to my first and truest liquid love Diet Mountain Dew, which I have been trying to kick since 2005. It didn't work and instead I developed a happy habit of drinking coffee or/and DMD every day. For the past ten years.

When I drink coffee with creme or milk (no sugar, wtf) - just enough to give it a light mocha color but not enough to remove the bitterness completely. I'll take it dark if I have to.  I have no mercurial preference for how the coffee itself tastes. I couldn't tell you how different roasts work or how certain beans differ. My taste in food has never been terribly picky (I mean, Diet Mountain Dew).

My favorite ice cream flavor is coffee (particularly Blue Bell Brand which isn't sold in Indiana anymore, apparently). When coffee isn't available mocha is generally a decent substitute - my use of milk and creme in coffee generally pushes it a little closer to a mocha-style beverage anyway. I enjoy chocolate covered espresso beans, mocha candy bars, mocha milkshakes. Most coffee-flavored or related products are on my either my 'tried' or 'to try' list.

For as long as I have enjoyed Oreo I have hoped for a coffee or mocha variant. At long last Mocha Oreo is available as the third and final 'breakfast' flavor (after Jelly Donut and Waffle & Syrup).

Cookie:

A chocolate Oreo, still the best of the bunch and perfectly suited to pair with a mocha flavor

Creme:

Bullshit. This isn't what I was hoping for. I don't mind Dunkin' Donuts but there's no question that their coffee is generally on the  burnt side (look, I don't really discern bean flavor but burnt isn't beyond my perception). I don't mind drinking burnt coffee, but somehow the Mocha Oreo has a rather tasteless creme with a harsh burnt aftertaste. It's an odd cookie experience because the longer you eat it, the worse it gets. Mocha should be sweet with a slight bitter aftertaste. It should, at the least, feel a little creamy. Mocha Oreo does not capture any part of the ideal Mocha experience.

Gorgeability:

I hoped for a cookie that I would want to eat forever, that I might want to stock up on for when they disappear off shelves (like Pumpkin Spice Oreo or Caramel Apple Oreo). No such luck.

Rating:
2/5 Oreo.

Waffles & Syrup Oreo don't make me Waffle, I'm Syr-upting with Thoughts About These Cookies!*

Waffles & Syrup Oreo

History: Waffles & Syrup Oreos were first leaked as a concept in February 2017 - and nobody believed it. Jelly Donut, Mississippi Mud Pie, Firework? All leaked at the same time, all believable. But Waffles & Syrup? Such a complex mixture of flavors seemed a little foolhardy for Nabisco. Could a creme-based sandwich cookie really capture the texture, the experience, of the absolute finest breakfast desert? Well, those wackos at Nabisco really tried. Waffles & Syrup Oreos were released at Albertsons stores in May 2017, a compliment to the Jelly Donut breakfast flavor released nationwide. Albertsons are largely located west of the Mississippi, and none are in Indianapolis. For the first time ever I ordered a package of Oreos online, paying 3x the cost of store-bought cookies. Worth it?

Cookie: Like their Jelly Donut brethren, Waffles & Syrup Oreos feature a standard Golden cookie. My thoughts on these are well documented at this point. Here, the Golden flavor once again makes for an unwelcome addition, too bland to compliment the creme but just, well. Golden cookies only harm, never help a variant flavor because they just suck.

Creme: Ah, the selling point. It's another double-flavor, two-texture variant. This time a smidge of 'syrup' flavor is surrounded by 'waffle' flavor. You've read this far, but here's the real review: disappointing. I felt the same way about Jelly Donut in that the primary flavor 'waffle' is basically traditional Oreo creme, while the middle flavor isn't quite strong enough to feel present. There's a slight aftertaste that is roughly the same as that of an Eggo Waffle, but the actual flavor of the creme is essentially non-existent. In the scale of "gross" to "great," this falls squarely in the middle, which is just too bad.

To illustrate I used a bit of scrap paper to draw the first-ever "Bloreog Scale™."

As you can see, "Swedish Fish" oreos were and AWESOME IDEA but also GROSS. Candy Corn Oreos were a BLAND IDEA and also, GROSS! Red Velvet Oreos? AWESOME + GREAT! Firework Oreos? BLAND but GREAT. I mean, obviously this scale is kind of broken because I didn't put any thought into placing the dots into an actual scale to express *how* awesome or bland or great or gross each cookie is but I hope you get the point: Waffle & Syrup Oreos were probably not worth $10**

Goregeability: I was fine after two. I'm not sure I'll ever need to eat anymore.

3/5.

*Note: My wife said this is the worst title I've ever written.
** Note2: It was totally worth the $10, are you kidding?

Jelly Donut Oreoh whatever I'm tired of trying and apparently so are they

Jelly Donut Oreo

History: JELLY. DONUT. OREOES. The third flavor to rely on the two-texture model introduced with the Creme-Filled Cupcake. This time a soft  jelly filling is surrounded by a rather tasteless 'glaze sugar' flavor. Jelly Donut Oreo is the first of a series of 'breakfast' flavored releases, to be followed by Waffles & Syrup and Mocha Oreos. I hope those are more distinct.

Cookie: A Golden Oreo, tasteless, kind of bland, bad aftertaste, whatever.

Creme: The two-type Oreo is one I'm hoping they get right someday.  Jelly Donut is interesting, but not successful. The flavor of the 'jelly' is memorable but the 'glaze' just doesn't taste like much of anything. So it doesn't approximate the taste of the jelly donut, nor does it really even taste like a jelly Oreo. I'm not sure why Nabisco is having so much trouble mixing flavors, but here we are.

Gorgability: A bit disappointing. one is enough.

Verdict: 2/5

Coconut Creme Oreo Thins Won't Make You Feel Coconuts

Coconut Creme Oreo Thins

History: Back in Fall 2015 they released "Coconut Creme Oreos," regular oreos with Golden cookies and coconut creme. There were bits of coconut in the creme. I liked them; not 'forever keeper' Oreos, but interesting. Apparently I was alone. I saw coconut creme oreos in clearance aisles at Target for months afterwards, and saw hundreds of packages while volunteering at a food pantry in May 2016. I was surprised they went with this as the second original flavor for the Thins line.

Cookie: A chocolate cookie thin cookie. Delicious; flavorful, but not overwhelming.

Creme: Coconut flavor, without the coconut texture. I'm actually a big fan of the coconut texture, and I don't think that the flavor itself translates as well without it. There's little reason to buy a package of these over a package of plain, mint, or even salted caramel Thins.

Gorgability: Just forgettable. I brought a package to work and barely anyone ate any.

Verdict: 1/5

Salted Carmel Oreo Thins are Fine.

Salted Caramel Oreo Thins

History: The first flavor released exclusively to the "Thin" line, Salted Caramel struck me as a sure-fire hit. And it is! It is available at Meijer stores.

Cookie: A thin golden. My usual critique of the Golden cookie stands.

Creme: Salted Carmel is hard to get right - a lot of attempts end up either too sweet or flavorless. Nabisco's done it right here. It's just the right caramel flavor. The only problem is that the combination with Golden cookie creates a long-lasting aftertaste that is distinct and unpleasant.

Gorgability: A few of my coworkers couldn't stop eating these. I was pretty content after just one.

Verdict: 3/5

Peeps Oreos: A Tasty Treat 4 ur Peep (s)

Peeps Oreos

History: 

Peeps Oreos are a special Easter flavor introduced in time for Spring 2017. They are the second "D-Grade Candy" flavor in the last six months, following the truly detestable Swedish Fish flavor. I hate Peeps, but I'll eat marshmallows all day long.

Cookie: Golden!

Creme: Quite special. Going into the cookie I expected something similar to the 'marshmallow crispie' variety from 2015. That cookie wasn't great - far, far too sweet, and if you've read my reviews you're probably familiar with my sensitivity to Oreo sweetness. It is, by far, the most common shortcoming  seen in new Oreo varieties. Peeps Oreos, thankfully, don't exhibit that problem! The marshmallow creme actually tastes like marshmallows without going overboard. It is as close as we'll ever come to just putting a marshmallow between two Oreo cookies.

Thankfully they don't taste like Peeps, which are shitty and nowhere near as good as pure marshmallows.

Additionally, the hot pink creme also has the slightest texture of hard sugar like the Peep candy. It's enough to be noticeable, but it isn't enough to feel unpleasant.

Gorgability: I couldn't stop and now I'm a giant marshmallow.

Verdict: 4/5

Chocolate Covered Strawberry Oreos: More Like Chocolate Covered Strawberry Blah-reos.

Chocolate Covered Strawberry Oreo

History: 

There was a dire 'new Oreo' drought between September 2016 and January 2017. The regular holiday flavors were re-released (Peppermint, Red Creme, and White Chocolate-covered calorie bombs), but we didn't see any new flavors. It sucked.

That long wait is over! Just in time for a the Valentines Day product blitz, Nabisco has released "Chocolate Covered Strawberry (CCS)" flavored Oreos just for me, like some kind of romantic apology for abdicating their duties during the darkest months of 2016. Will I forgive them? Read on.

Cookie: A chocolate cookie. I'm glad they chose to go with the chocolate cookie because as I've previously documented in these fine annals, I don't really like the other cookies all that much.

Creme:

The one positive thing I have to say is that they adopt the ingenious double-creme technique from last year's edible "creme filled cupcake" Oreo. These Oreos feature a dollop of strawberry frosting surrounded by a sea of chocolate. It's more fun to eat for "twist-and-lick" Oreo eater.

However, there are missed opportunities with the CCS Oreo. The first is that there isn't a texture difference between the two flavors, which is what helps make this kind of creme dispersal fun. If you aren't going to make them different, why not just go with the more visually appealing 'half and half' design from the original dual-flavor Oreos and the more recent Reese's Cup Oreos?

The second is that the actual flavors are just recycled strawberry and chocolate flavors from previously available cookies. Which means they kind of suck. The strawberry is too sweet, the chocolate too muted and chalky. Ultimately the experience of eating these cookies is ruined by how lame they taste - there's just nothing worth writing home about. I was hoping they had managed to change the Strawberry formula, but no. They did not.

Gorgability: I ate two of these and threw the rest away.

Verdict: 1/5

Halloween Oreo, or, How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Just Eat Oreos

Halloween Oreo

History:

I do not know what year the Halloween Oreo first came into existence; likely 2008 or 2009, when Oreo started diversifying the line. The whole schtick – Orange + Black = Halloween, woo – is so simple that it may be much older. I think, but cannot verify, that these were the first 'seasonal' variant of the regular Oreo. They remain the best.

My first experience with the Halloween Oreo was 2010, when my relationship Oreo thing really started. My college roommate, Jeff, would always buy Oreos for our apartment (well, for him. I just ate them. Don't worry, I contributed some later on). Halloween Oreos came into my life during that lovely fall, when I started trying every Oreo at the Muncie Meijer. I'm not big into drinking, or socializing, or Muncie, and college up until that point had been a mess of stress, anxiety, and misery, so collecting Oreos was a fun pass-time. It also helped connect me to my sister, Ellen, who was at school 10 hours away and has a similar obsessive affinity to Pop-Tarts. In the hot mess of finding yourself during college, Oreos played a substantial role. 

During the fall of 2010 I also watched every movie starring Guy Pearce up until that point, met my college girlfriend, travelled widely, and found a home with the BSU Anthropology Department. It was a breakthrough year.

It was an important fall. 

That nostalgia is why I always say that the Halloween Oreo is one of my favorite Oreos. Objectively they are precisely the same cookie as regular 1.5x or 2x Stuf Oreos, but with colored creme. But food is not an objective experience. I don't eat Oreos just because I find them delicious; I eat Oreos because they make me happy.  I don't know many of the people I knew back then. Many of the important places have already changed after six years. My world and experiences are completely different. I don't think of them very frequently anymore, but I do when I eat the Halloween Oreos. 

So, I love Halloween Oreos.  You likely don't have the same connection to them; maybe you have a different connection, or no connection at all. But they are a foundational cookie in my Oreo experience, and one that makes me happy to see on store shelves each and every year.

Cookie: A chocolate cookie. The only notable difference is that these Oreos have fancy Halloween designs on them.

Creme: Bright-orange Creme. I think the color makes the crème taste better.

Gorgability: I ate half a pack last night. Remember, two Oreos is a serving, so you should eat twelve at a time.

Verdict: 5/5.