Mocha Oreo :(

Mocha Oreo.

History: 

Like everyone I have daily rituals and coffee is amongst my most sacred. Not surprising. I started drinking coffee in college as an alternative to my first and truest liquid love Diet Mountain Dew, which I have been trying to kick since 2005. It didn't work and instead I developed a happy habit of drinking coffee or/and DMD every day. For the past ten years.

When I drink coffee with creme or milk (no sugar, wtf) - just enough to give it a light mocha color but not enough to remove the bitterness completely. I'll take it dark if I have to.  I have no mercurial preference for how the coffee itself tastes. I couldn't tell you how different roasts work or how certain beans differ. My taste in food has never been terribly picky (I mean, Diet Mountain Dew).

My favorite ice cream flavor is coffee (particularly Blue Bell Brand which isn't sold in Indiana anymore, apparently). When coffee isn't available mocha is generally a decent substitute - my use of milk and creme in coffee generally pushes it a little closer to a mocha-style beverage anyway. I enjoy chocolate covered espresso beans, mocha candy bars, mocha milkshakes. Most coffee-flavored or related products are on my either my 'tried' or 'to try' list.

For as long as I have enjoyed Oreo I have hoped for a coffee or mocha variant. At long last Mocha Oreo is available as the third and final 'breakfast' flavor (after Jelly Donut and Waffle & Syrup).

Cookie:

A chocolate Oreo, still the best of the bunch and perfectly suited to pair with a mocha flavor

Creme:

Bullshit. This isn't what I was hoping for. I don't mind Dunkin' Donuts but there's no question that their coffee is generally on the  burnt side (look, I don't really discern bean flavor but burnt isn't beyond my perception). I don't mind drinking burnt coffee, but somehow the Mocha Oreo has a rather tasteless creme with a harsh burnt aftertaste. It's an odd cookie experience because the longer you eat it, the worse it gets. Mocha should be sweet with a slight bitter aftertaste. It should, at the least, feel a little creamy. Mocha Oreo does not capture any part of the ideal Mocha experience.

Gorgeability:

I hoped for a cookie that I would want to eat forever, that I might want to stock up on for when they disappear off shelves (like Pumpkin Spice Oreo or Caramel Apple Oreo). No such luck.

Rating:
2/5 Oreo.

Waffles & Syrup Oreo don't make me Waffle, I'm Syr-upting with Thoughts About These Cookies!*

Waffles & Syrup Oreo

History: Waffles & Syrup Oreos were first leaked as a concept in February 2017 - and nobody believed it. Jelly Donut, Mississippi Mud Pie, Firework? All leaked at the same time, all believable. But Waffles & Syrup? Such a complex mixture of flavors seemed a little foolhardy for Nabisco. Could a creme-based sandwich cookie really capture the texture, the experience, of the absolute finest breakfast desert? Well, those wackos at Nabisco really tried. Waffles & Syrup Oreos were released at Albertsons stores in May 2017, a compliment to the Jelly Donut breakfast flavor released nationwide. Albertsons are largely located west of the Mississippi, and none are in Indianapolis. For the first time ever I ordered a package of Oreos online, paying 3x the cost of store-bought cookies. Worth it?

Cookie: Like their Jelly Donut brethren, Waffles & Syrup Oreos feature a standard Golden cookie. My thoughts on these are well documented at this point. Here, the Golden flavor once again makes for an unwelcome addition, too bland to compliment the creme but just, well. Golden cookies only harm, never help a variant flavor because they just suck.

Creme: Ah, the selling point. It's another double-flavor, two-texture variant. This time a smidge of 'syrup' flavor is surrounded by 'waffle' flavor. You've read this far, but here's the real review: disappointing. I felt the same way about Jelly Donut in that the primary flavor 'waffle' is basically traditional Oreo creme, while the middle flavor isn't quite strong enough to feel present. There's a slight aftertaste that is roughly the same as that of an Eggo Waffle, but the actual flavor of the creme is essentially non-existent. In the scale of "gross" to "great," this falls squarely in the middle, which is just too bad.

To illustrate I used a bit of scrap paper to draw the first-ever "Bloreog Scale™."

As you can see, "Swedish Fish" oreos were and AWESOME IDEA but also GROSS. Candy Corn Oreos were a BLAND IDEA and also, GROSS! Red Velvet Oreos? AWESOME + GREAT! Firework Oreos? BLAND but GREAT. I mean, obviously this scale is kind of broken because I didn't put any thought into placing the dots into an actual scale to express *how* awesome or bland or great or gross each cookie is but I hope you get the point: Waffle & Syrup Oreos were probably not worth $10**

Goregeability: I was fine after two. I'm not sure I'll ever need to eat anymore.

3/5.

*Note: My wife said this is the worst title I've ever written.
** Note2: It was totally worth the $10, are you kidding?

Jelly Donut Oreoh whatever I'm tired of trying and apparently so are they

Jelly Donut Oreo

History: JELLY. DONUT. OREOES. The third flavor to rely on the two-texture model introduced with the Creme-Filled Cupcake. This time a soft  jelly filling is surrounded by a rather tasteless 'glaze sugar' flavor. Jelly Donut Oreo is the first of a series of 'breakfast' flavored releases, to be followed by Waffles & Syrup and Mocha Oreos. I hope those are more distinct.

Cookie: A Golden Oreo, tasteless, kind of bland, bad aftertaste, whatever.

Creme: The two-type Oreo is one I'm hoping they get right someday.  Jelly Donut is interesting, but not successful. The flavor of the 'jelly' is memorable but the 'glaze' just doesn't taste like much of anything. So it doesn't approximate the taste of the jelly donut, nor does it really even taste like a jelly Oreo. I'm not sure why Nabisco is having so much trouble mixing flavors, but here we are.

Gorgability: A bit disappointing. one is enough.

Verdict: 2/5

Coconut Creme Oreo Thins Won't Make You Feel Coconuts

Coconut Creme Oreo Thins

History: Back in Fall 2015 they released "Coconut Creme Oreos," regular oreos with Golden cookies and coconut creme. There were bits of coconut in the creme. I liked them; not 'forever keeper' Oreos, but interesting. Apparently I was alone. I saw coconut creme oreos in clearance aisles at Target for months afterwards, and saw hundreds of packages while volunteering at a food pantry in May 2016. I was surprised they went with this as the second original flavor for the Thins line.

Cookie: A chocolate cookie thin cookie. Delicious; flavorful, but not overwhelming.

Creme: Coconut flavor, without the coconut texture. I'm actually a big fan of the coconut texture, and I don't think that the flavor itself translates as well without it. There's little reason to buy a package of these over a package of plain, mint, or even salted caramel Thins.

Gorgability: Just forgettable. I brought a package to work and barely anyone ate any.

Verdict: 1/5

Salted Carmel Oreo Thins are Fine.

Salted Caramel Oreo Thins

History: The first flavor released exclusively to the "Thin" line, Salted Caramel struck me as a sure-fire hit. And it is! It is available at Meijer stores.

Cookie: A thin golden. My usual critique of the Golden cookie stands.

Creme: Salted Carmel is hard to get right - a lot of attempts end up either too sweet or flavorless. Nabisco's done it right here. It's just the right caramel flavor. The only problem is that the combination with Golden cookie creates a long-lasting aftertaste that is distinct and unpleasant.

Gorgability: A few of my coworkers couldn't stop eating these. I was pretty content after just one.

Verdict: 3/5

Peeps Oreos: A Tasty Treat 4 ur Peep (s)

Peeps Oreos

History: 

Peeps Oreos are a special Easter flavor introduced in time for Spring 2017. They are the second "D-Grade Candy" flavor in the last six months, following the truly detestable Swedish Fish flavor. I hate Peeps, but I'll eat marshmallows all day long.

Cookie: Golden!

Creme: Quite special. Going into the cookie I expected something similar to the 'marshmallow crispie' variety from 2015. That cookie wasn't great - far, far too sweet, and if you've read my reviews you're probably familiar with my sensitivity to Oreo sweetness. It is, by far, the most common shortcoming  seen in new Oreo varieties. Peeps Oreos, thankfully, don't exhibit that problem! The marshmallow creme actually tastes like marshmallows without going overboard. It is as close as we'll ever come to just putting a marshmallow between two Oreo cookies.

Thankfully they don't taste like Peeps, which are shitty and nowhere near as good as pure marshmallows.

Additionally, the hot pink creme also has the slightest texture of hard sugar like the Peep candy. It's enough to be noticeable, but it isn't enough to feel unpleasant.

Gorgability: I couldn't stop and now I'm a giant marshmallow.

Verdict: 4/5

Chocolate Covered Strawberry Oreos: More Like Chocolate Covered Strawberry Blah-reos.

Chocolate Covered Strawberry Oreo

History: 

There was a dire 'new Oreo' drought between September 2016 and January 2017. The regular holiday flavors were re-released (Peppermint, Red Creme, and White Chocolate-covered calorie bombs), but we didn't see any new flavors. It sucked.

That long wait is over! Just in time for a the Valentines Day product blitz, Nabisco has released "Chocolate Covered Strawberry (CCS)" flavored Oreos just for me, like some kind of romantic apology for abdicating their duties during the darkest months of 2016. Will I forgive them? Read on.

Cookie: A chocolate cookie. I'm glad they chose to go with the chocolate cookie because as I've previously documented in these fine annals, I don't really like the other cookies all that much.

Creme:

The one positive thing I have to say is that they adopt the ingenious double-creme technique from last year's edible "creme filled cupcake" Oreo. These Oreos feature a dollop of strawberry frosting surrounded by a sea of chocolate. It's more fun to eat for "twist-and-lick" Oreo eater.

However, there are missed opportunities with the CCS Oreo. The first is that there isn't a texture difference between the two flavors, which is what helps make this kind of creme dispersal fun. If you aren't going to make them different, why not just go with the more visually appealing 'half and half' design from the original dual-flavor Oreos and the more recent Reese's Cup Oreos?

The second is that the actual flavors are just recycled strawberry and chocolate flavors from previously available cookies. Which means they kind of suck. The strawberry is too sweet, the chocolate too muted and chalky. Ultimately the experience of eating these cookies is ruined by how lame they taste - there's just nothing worth writing home about. I was hoping they had managed to change the Strawberry formula, but no. They did not.

Gorgability: I ate two of these and threw the rest away.

Verdict: 1/5