Most Stuf Oreo: Oreocalypse Now

Most Stuf Oreo

When I first accepted the Bloreogger life I knew what my choice meant. I would review every Oreo variety. Fruit Punch. Golden. Strawberry. Blueberry Pie. Apple Pie. Mint. Peppermint. Mint Chocolate Chip. Peeps. Peeps2.  Double-Stuf. “Mega Stuf.” Peeps. Mocha. Swedish Fish. Hot Chicken Wing. 

It was written I should be loyal to the nightmare of my cookie.

How do I get my Oreos? I keep an eye on Nabisco's press releases. I know my orders. A special trick? There's no trick. I just search, a linear hunt from store to store. Day to day. Week to week. Obsessively. Meijer, Target, Wal-mart, Dollar General. Walgreens, CVS, Kroger.  Regardless the flavor, the price, the calorie count. Regardless of whether I will even like them.

My brother Eric – bearded, congenial – works in the depths of the Carmel Meijer, managing their absurd and endless stream of new grocery product. He gives me a heads up sometimes. Today I was shopping there after work. He didn't know I was there, that I was in fact standing in the Cookie aisle.  I searched amongst the dozen varieties of cookies. Where were they? Nowhere to be found. 

I stood dejected, contemplating when I might see them. Should I purchase some other cookies to fill the void? No. I had only one target, and only that single target would complete my journey. 

I glanced at my phone. A text. From Eric. “I have something your heart most desires.” I knew immediately. This was it. We met by Electronics. He had two packages fresh from the crate. We rang them up on the spot. We opened the packages, each containing only 18 cookies.

I've written about Oreo Stuf before, and how the traditional cookie is a perfect ratio of chocolate cardboard + sugary something. Double-Stuf are inferior. Mega-Stuf are truly inferior. But Most Stuf are the cookie of our age, the end result of a Nabisco's decade of Oreo experimentation. Most Stuf Oreos are the cookie at the end of the river. Broken, shameless, but enlightened as to their purpose. The Most Stuf. Nothing more. And nothing less. Nothing left.

Eating Most Stuf Oreo: one bite contains the entire grainy Stuf substance of a lone traditional Oreo, but the cookie takes at least three bites to complete. An entire serving of Oreo in three bites. It fucks with you a little bit. Your tongue numbs. Your mouth fills with saliva. The immediate aftermath, a woozy feeling as the sugar hits. Disorientation. You can't stop. Continue. Complete the cookie. Drive home or sit down. Feel it hit your gut. Guilt? Pain. Realization. Actualization.

The horror, the horror.