Marshmellow Moon Oreos: That's Amoreo

[to the tune of That's Amore]

(In Nappy town where love is king
When boy meets cookie here's what they say)

When the marshmellow moon hits your mouth with its fume

That's amoreo

When the violet crème just makes you want to scream

That's amoreo

Buds will ring ting-a-ling-a-ling, ting-a-ling-a-ling

And you'll sing "vita nabiscoreo"

Hearts will beat tippy-tippy-tay, tippy-tippy-tay

Like a gay tarantula

When the shapes make you drool just like a complete fool

That's amoreo

When you down all three rows and you’re feeling real gross

That’s amoreo

When the world sugar hits hard and you can’t move your lard

That's amoreo

When your stomach feels poor but you need just one more -

Dreaming signoreo

Buds will ring ting-a-ling-a-ling, ting-a-ling-a-ling
And you'll sing "Vita nabiscoreo

Hearts will beat tippy-tippy-tay, tippy-tippy-tay
Like a gay tarantula

Lucky Fella

But the pack is all done, so you buy another one

That's amoreo

That's amoreo, (amoreo)
That's amoreo

S'More Sappy Oreo Nostalgia

S'More Sappy Posts about Oreo Cookies

S'More Oreos could be called Smoreos, but if they did that I would sue them for copyright infringement as the owner of any contraction – pun using the word “Oreo.” Put that between your cookies and toast it.

The first time these delightful cookies were released was back in April 2015, around the time I was leaving my job at Half-Price Books. That job is when all of this really started in earnest: I would buy packs of Oreos with the intention of bringing them in to see how my coworkers felt about them. Oreos were a part of my life before working at Half-Price but it wasn't until that job that I really had a way of not just eating a ton by myself and getting burned out. Bringing cookies to work has continued through other jobs to this day. I am introduced to new coworkers as “The Oreo Guy.”

My last month at Half-Price remains bittersweet. Every May I feel a wistful mixture of nostalgia and contemplation, the kind that only comes with knowing you closed out a period of your life in the right way. It's not a common feeling. I don't miss working at the bookstore, but think about parts of it frequently: long Saturdays spent buying books from customers; the transition from scorching temps out behind the building to the air conditioning after taking out he trash; standing at the register in a down period and looking up the long list of books I was hoping to buy from other stores; leaving that night knowing we'd done a good job, or at least an adequate one, prepared to come back 9 hours later and start the cycle all over again. Dealing with complicated customers. My coworkers, all practicing some kind of art or hobby that made me realize the best way to be an adult was to make something meaningful. I'd have never had the confidence to meet my wife if I hadn't had that job. I remember my goodbye party too, where I brought chocolate chip cookies with Oreos inside of them. Blue cookies Classic. Green for Mint. Red for S'Mores. Amazing. And my other goodbye party, where I got drunk in my coworker's back yard and made a giant S'More with big chocolate chip cookies, kit-kats, and other insane fixings. I could eat like that back then.

Most of all the feeling of belonging with a group of people in a way I had never felt before, and really haven't felt since. I've since belonged in different ways to different communities. What you need changes. But thank god I experienced that.

S'More Oreos showed up again in 2016 but by then I was in a much worse place. I'm better now. These cookies give me the right feelings. No negative associations.

Cookie: Graham Cracker.

Creme: Marshmallow + Milk Chocolate

Gorgeability: Incredible, maybe one of the most addicting Oreos of all time.

5/5

Do OR-3Os Dream of Electric Cream?

A Bloreogger is first and foremost an explorer. A thinker. An adventurer. Full commitment to our craft is always assured, dear reader. Yet from time to time readers ask me, "What do you think of Hydrox?" "What do you think of Duplex?" "What, Bloreogger, do you think of Cream Betweens."
I usually laugh and explain that I love all sandwich cookies equally, that some are better than others but any will do in a pinch. However, I do not review any "off-brand" delights.

This morning I was provided with a package of KaleidOs, the Kroger Supermarket version of Oreo. In my excitement I promised a review. A new frontier - but how could I manage this vast new array of treats without going insane again?

Explorer. Thinker. Adventurer. Scientist.

Introducing my new partner in this wonderful lifelong adventure: OR-3O the Oreoid.

I have decided to dedicate this Bloreog entry to the first test-run of OR-3O on the very KaleidOs that spawned his existence. As with any good scientist, I have documented the process.

OR-3O 1.0

1. Set-Up. OR-3O uses Firewire 3.0 for maximum speeds.

2. Cookie Calibration. I input the basic expectations for your average Oreo Cookie, roughly 5.0 ORs.

 3. Feeding. I make sure to provide both a full cookie as well as a split cookie. OR-3O is not yet waterproof, and therefore cannot run a Milk Taste Test.

4. I examine the results of our first test. You don't say, OR-3O.

1. IMPORT: KALEIDO
2. PROFILE: [CHOCOLATE COOKIE]
3. PROFILE: [VANILLA CREME]
4. BASE VALUE: 5.0
5. RUN SAMPLE = YES
6. TESTING
7. TESTING
8. TESTING
9. TESTING
10. VALUE: {CHOCOLATE} : 4.0 OR
11. VALUE: {CREME} : 5.0 OR
12. VALUE: {MILK TT} : ERROR
13. VALUE:  {GORGEABILITY} : 7
14. VALUE: {OVERALL SCORE} 4/5 
15. I LOVE YOU, FATHER.

Conclusions:

Once again I must take time to thank my brother Eric, who helped me construct this new tool for achieving my Bloreogging dreams.

OR-3O is proof that a dream followed is a dream achieved. But dreams alone won't always take you across the finish line. Study often, study hard. Put down those tablets and smartphones. Pick up a book. A galaxy of knowledge is available at your local library!

Most Stuf Oreo: Oreocalypse Now

Most Stuf Oreo

When I first accepted the Bloreogger life I knew what my choice meant. I would review every Oreo variety. Fruit Punch. Golden. Strawberry. Blueberry Pie. Apple Pie. Mint. Peppermint. Mint Chocolate Chip. Peeps. Peeps2.  Double-Stuf. “Mega Stuf.” Peeps. Mocha. Swedish Fish. Hot Chicken Wing. 

It was written I should be loyal to the nightmare of my cookie.

How do I get my Oreos? I keep an eye on Nabisco's press releases. I know my orders. A special trick? There's no trick. I just search, a linear hunt from store to store. Day to day. Week to week. Obsessively. Meijer, Target, Wal-mart, Dollar General. Walgreens, CVS, Kroger.  Regardless the flavor, the price, the calorie count. Regardless of whether I will even like them.

My brother Eric – bearded, congenial – works in the depths of the Carmel Meijer, managing their absurd and endless stream of new grocery product. He gives me a heads up sometimes. Today I was shopping there after work. He didn't know I was there, that I was in fact standing in the Cookie aisle.  I searched amongst the dozen varieties of cookies. Where were they? Nowhere to be found. 

I stood dejected, contemplating when I might see them. Should I purchase some other cookies to fill the void? No. I had only one target, and only that single target would complete my journey. 

I glanced at my phone. A text. From Eric. “I have something your heart most desires.” I knew immediately. This was it. We met by Electronics. He had two packages fresh from the crate. We rang them up on the spot. We opened the packages, each containing only 18 cookies.

I've written about Oreo Stuf before, and how the traditional cookie is a perfect ratio of chocolate cardboard + sugary something. Double-Stuf are inferior. Mega-Stuf are truly inferior. But Most Stuf are the cookie of our age, the end result of a Nabisco's decade of Oreo experimentation. Most Stuf Oreos are the cookie at the end of the river. Broken, shameless, but enlightened as to their purpose. The Most Stuf. Nothing more. And nothing less. Nothing left.

Eating Most Stuf Oreo: one bite contains the entire grainy Stuf substance of a lone traditional Oreo, but the cookie takes at least three bites to complete. An entire serving of Oreo in three bites. It fucks with you a little bit. Your tongue numbs. Your mouth fills with saliva. The immediate aftermath, a woozy feeling as the sugar hits. Disorientation. You can't stop. Continue. Complete the cookie. Drive home or sit down. Feel it hit your gut. Guilt? Pain. Realization. Actualization.

The horror, the horror.

Hop your way to the store to get Carrot Cake Oreos.

Carrot Cake Oreo

History:

Carrot Cake Oreo are the first Oreo flavor to make my office workers say “Thanks” instead of the usual “Why did you bring these in.” I call that a win! 

They were first released in January 2019, a three-month-early prelude to Easter. Carrots - I hear Jesus loved them.

2018 saw a lot of experimental flavors (Cherry Cola, Kettle Corn, etc), so it’s nice to see a standard “other desert made Oreo flesh” kinda thing happening here. I can’t usually eat Carrot Cake because people are dicks about adding nuts to their recipes.

Oh.

Anyway, I liked allergen-free Carrot Cake I have eaten in the past, and this is one of the best cookies I’ve had from Oreo in awhile. Like, really. I think the last cookie I’ve felt this strongly about were the Waffle & Syrup variety. This is a strong contender for my Top 10 Oreo list. Half of which you can no longer buy. Sorry.

Cookie:

They’re the first cookie to have a ‘carrot cake’ cookie which is basically just slightly lighter ‘graham’ flavor.

Icing:

Cream Cheese, just like the earlier Red Velvet variety. But honestly it tastes just like regular vanilla icing - the kind you'd buy out of a can in the middle aisles of a grocery. Growing up it was a Dossey family snack to just take a graham cracker and cover it with a thick layer of icing. Delicious. That's how Carrot Cake Oreos taste, except in compact cookie form.

Milk Taste Test:

Yep, checks out.

Goregeability:

My 2019 diet is fucked.

I Love Oreo but I don't Love, Oreo

Love, Oreo

history:

Love, Oreo is the latest in a line of ambiguous Oreo flavors designed to attract curious consumers. A few years ago Nabiso released Mystery Oreo, which turned out to be Fruity Pebble. A goddamn re-release. Guess what: Love, Oreo is another goddamn re-release. Is it right for Nabisco to co-opt the concept of Love as a way of selling a repeat variant of their signature snack cookie?  I've bought every single flavor of Oreo released in the past seven years, so I can't give you a straight answer on that.  

I considered reviewing these Oreos erotically, maybe describing the way my tongue pleasantly licked the pink tartness or bringing up an “oreo-face” or calling it a “gangbang of flavors.” But I'm not into Love, Oreo. I could sit here pounding away on my couch but it's tough to get it going without passion.

Like I said: Love, Oreo is a repackaged flavor,  essentially a slightly fruitier version of the evergreen Lemon flavor. These might have been developed as Pink Lemonade Oreo at one point and then pushed out of the schedule because they found something more interesting to release this summer (I hope they're bringing S'Moreos back after a 3-year hiatus).

To me that's not Love. Being repackaged with a special name to make me all excited but then the same old, same old. Grumpier people might make jokes to make about how that's the natural trajectory of all relationships or some cynical bullshit but I don't believe that and generally that isn't what I've witnessed in a majority of the long-term romances I've seen. Certainly not my romance with Oreo, a cookie I actively crave day in and day out. I will always  Love Oreo but I'll never Love, Oreo again.

cookie:

chocolate, baby!

Crème:

Pink and lemony.

Milk-dunk test:

I didn't bother.

Gorgeability:

I ate several over time but I'm on a goddamn diet.

Wasabi Oreo & Hot Chicken Wing Oreo: Rare Imports

Wasabi Oreo & Hot Chicken Wing Oreo

Those in-the-know can write reams about the way American Snack-Food Imperialism has adapted products like Kit Kats for foreign markets. It's that way across the world, on every continent (fyi the Kit Kats out of Europe are the absolute bomb). For Western tongues the flavors that emanate out of China and Southeast Asia are particularly legendary. Japan, for instance, has Rum Raisin, Green Tea (which are great), Blueberry, and Grape Kit Kat bars. Good shit.

Oreo has taken awhile to get on the bandwagon, at least in terms of advertising their geography-locked flavors globally to build up hype. Last August's announcement of Wasabi and Hot Chicken Wing flavors spread across the internet like wildfire, but getting them was still pretty difficult. I was holding off – at $10 a pack, getting both would be a real price to pay for what sounded like horrible cookies. Thankfully my friend Danitza got them for me for Christmas.

They arrived today, 1 / 2 / 2019 in a package that looked somewhat suspicious to my wife. Turns out it was a transpacific flavor bomb.

I opened them as soon as I arrived at home, taking one of each and placing them on a plate for ocular appreciation. They're thinner than regular Oreos, ever-so-slightly smaller and less creme filled.

Time to dig in.

Wasabi Oreos

Back in Junior High some of my friends would snack on Wasabi-flavored chickpeas. I was never a huge fan of the snack but I would eat pretty much anything back then, and they did the trick. I have wasabi in other dishes from time to time. The idea of Wasabi flavored Oreos wasn't terribly odd.

As always chocolate Oreo flavor once again sucks and can't really go it alone - it has to mesh with the creme. That's a problem with most of the bad Oreos. The blunt 'chocolate' of an Oreo cookie does not mix well with the Wasabi flavor. It's terrible. Not life-changing terrible, but bad enough that I couldn't think of a reason to finish an entire cookie. 

Thinking positively, I think there may well be an audience for this cookie. If you love Wasabi flavor, and don't mind mixing it with chocolate, you may actually enjoy it.

Hot Chicken Wing

 what  the fuck did we expect?