This morning. Kroger. Aisle 29. I sauntered up suavely (shaking, nervous, timid) to the stock-man handling fresh cashes of Oreo's newest sins (unpleasant, disturbing, euphoric). He was stocking some regular-joe Chips Ahoy but I had to ask: would he open the pallet boxes for me? Would he serve me from the carton, from the top, the freshest batches of aluminum-encased chemical creme and cookie combos?
He said "Sure."
Three new flavors: Banana Pudding, Deep Fried, and Chicken & Waffle. Supposedly a vote will determine which lives on into permanent flavorhood, the favorite broken promise of snack-food manufacturers. Nothing lasts forever, and the so-called permanency of a victorious flavor means nothing at all. Do I mourn the "evergreen" Pitch Black Mountain Dew, winner of the 2016 DEWcision? Every goddamn day.
Oreo last released a trio like this in 2018: Pina Colada, Cherry Cola, and Popcorn, each more rancid than the last, each doomed to failure and obscurity in the pudgy and porous memory of snack-food aficionados.
The stock-man made good and gave me my $5 packages of specialty cookies. When we got home I immediately tossed them on the counter. "Can you please move so I can make my coffee," my wife asked. A fair question. I moved to the table.
Three cookies. Three bites. I'm not the man I used to be, the one who could eat a whole cookie just to test it out. Between each bite I swished with some milky coffee. Cleansing the pallet. My wife could hear me, loudly sloshing the mixture just right to get the coating of sugary sludge off my back molars. Her face contorted. "What's wrong," I asked innocently. "You know," she said, and left the room. The atmospheric sounds of science are not for the faint of heart.
The cookies:
Banana Pudding is the best, perfectly capturing the fake banana flavor you might recognize from every single banana-flavored candy ever made. Previous iterations of banana and banana-adjacent Oreo flavors have generally been unsuccessful (Banana Split, 2008 & 2013), but this is the first time Mondelez has showcased the raw potential of Banana. Eyes open. Keep them.
Deep Fried? I've fried Oreos. It captures the flavor, but the texture is strange. Like Coca Cola Oreos, it's a taste that, sans texture, doesn't belong. Perhaps I should fry these.
Chicken & Waffle - false advertising. I've had Chicken Oreos. These are not Chicken Oreos. These are Maple Oreos with a hint of black pepper. There have been numerous iterations of Maple Oreos. The best were back in 2017, with the original Waffles & Syrup, a breakfast cookie for the discerning gentleman. These are not up to par. No. Not good, but not inedible. I suppose American tongue begs for HCFS, not bullion-on-a-cookie. No drama, just a company whose American arm is wasting our time masquerading as gross rather than remembering who they are. This is the company that once released Swedish Fish Oreos, a heinous foodstuff with a scent that stained. What should be a sweet & savory Oreo - controversial, inspiring, gut-wrenching - is just another forgettable footnote in the annals of America's Favorite Cookie.
Losers: Deep Fried. Chicken & Waffle.
Winners: Banana Pudding. Me.
The content we crave.
ReplyDelete