Halloween Oreo, or, How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Just Eat Oreos

Halloween Oreo

History:

I do not know what year the Halloween Oreo first came into existence; likely 2008 or 2009, when Oreo started diversifying the line. The whole schtick – Orange + Black = Halloween, woo – is so simple that it may be much older. I think, but cannot verify, that these were the first 'seasonal' variant of the regular Oreo. They remain the best.

My first experience with the Halloween Oreo was 2010, when my relationship Oreo thing really started. My college roommate, Jeff, would always buy Oreos for our apartment (well, for him. I just ate them. Don't worry, I contributed some later on). Halloween Oreos came into my life during that lovely fall, when I started trying every Oreo at the Muncie Meijer. I'm not big into drinking, or socializing, or Muncie, and college up until that point had been a mess of stress, anxiety, and misery, so collecting Oreos was a fun pass-time. It also helped connect me to my sister, Ellen, who was at school 10 hours away and has a similar obsessive affinity to Pop-Tarts. In the hot mess of finding yourself during college, Oreos played a substantial role. 

During the fall of 2010 I also watched every movie starring Guy Pearce up until that point, met my college girlfriend, travelled widely, and found a home with the BSU Anthropology Department. It was a breakthrough year.

It was an important fall. 

That nostalgia is why I always say that the Halloween Oreo is one of my favorite Oreos. Objectively they are precisely the same cookie as regular 1.5x or 2x Stuf Oreos, but with colored creme. But food is not an objective experience. I don't eat Oreos just because I find them delicious; I eat Oreos because they make me happy.  I don't know many of the people I knew back then. Many of the important places have already changed after six years. My world and experiences are completely different. I don't think of them very frequently anymore, but I do when I eat the Halloween Oreos. 

So, I love Halloween Oreos.  You likely don't have the same connection to them; maybe you have a different connection, or no connection at all. But they are a foundational cookie in my Oreo experience, and one that makes me happy to see on store shelves each and every year.

Cookie: A chocolate cookie. The only notable difference is that these Oreos have fancy Halloween designs on them.

Creme: Bright-orange Creme. I think the color makes the crème taste better.

Gorgability: I ate half a pack last night. Remember, two Oreos is a serving, so you should eat twelve at a time.

Verdict: 5/5.

Candy Corn Oreos: Corny Candy Oreos.

Candy Corn Oreos 

History: Candy Corn Oreos first showed up in Fall 2014, and I hated them then. They were re-released this year, and I hate them now. The thing about Candy Corn is that it is, well. It is downright delicious. I love it; a perfect texture, a perfect sugary sweet flavor. It's so good! I can eat Candy Corn by the handful. I can eat Candy Corn until it makes me sick. You would think an Oreo would just be two delicious Oreo cookies with some Candy Corn smooshed between them but...well, read on.

Cookie: Vanilla cookies, the old standby for "exciting flavor requires bland cookie."

Creme: Blandly sweet, much like other strange flavors. So you don't get the proper flavor of Candy Corn. Additionally, the texture is all wrong. Regular Oreo texture just does not manage to convey the pure pleasure of the Candy Corn experience. The aftertaste and, well, after-burp just don't do it any favors either. Might as well eat a jar of sugar.

Milk Taste-Test: No.

Gorgeability: None. Just buy a bag of Candy Corn.

Verdict: 2/5 Oreos.

Pumpkin Spice Oreo: The Delicious Taste of Autumn

Pumpkin Spice Oreo

History: The Pumpkin Spice Oreo first showed up in stores during Fall 2014. I was excited. Pumpkin is a good flavor. It seemed appropriate for Oreo to hop on the bandwagon. Unlike many flavors, it seems Pumpkin Spice Oreo is a permanent seasonal flavor. Few variants have made the leap from temporary to annual; hopefully Caramel Apple manages to do so this year, too.

Cookie: A golden cookie. Perfectly fine as a carrier for the delicious Pumpkin creme. 

Creme: Fake Pumpkin with a distinct hint of cinnamon. It's not as good as, say, Pumpkin Pie, or even as good as Pumpkin coffee drinks, but it's good. Real good. Now that it's been around for a few years, I find it tied to happy fall memories. The right kind of cookie. 

Milk Taste-Test: Pretty great! If I may be so crazy as to suggest it, try dipping these into coffee. 

Gorgeability: Last time I owned them I actually put them into a ziploc so they would keep longer. I savored them. 

Verdict: 3/5 Oreos. 

Swedish Fish Oreos: An Affront to God.

History: The Swedish Fish Oreo was released in August 2016, to a surprising amount of Twitter fanfare. Much like our Republican nominee this year, Oreo has found that the only way to keep attention on itself is by releasing more and more outlandish flavors. “Swedish Fish” is a choice. If you are not familiar, Swedish Fish are gummy candy with a mysterious flavor (wikipedia purports it is ligonberry, but nobody really knows). They're a wine gummy, so they have a firmness to their texture not unlike gumdrops. I'm not a big fan, but will eat them if they're around. Anyway. Their mysterious flavor (and odor) is notably unique. Oreo must have decided that would b an appropriate partner for their classic cookie. They were wrong.

Cookie: Classic chocolaty goodness.

Creme: Sinful. And I don't mean that in a jolly, happy way – like I usually do. These cookies are an affront to God. If you don't believe in God, these will make you believe in God just so you have someone to blame, because their flavor is downright inhuman. Imagine someone melted down a bag of Swedish Fish and served it to you. That's about the best approximation I can make. It is potent beyond all reason, beyond all...god, it's so bad. And the odor is just as awful. You can smell them across the room.

Milk Taste-Test: I didn't even bother.

Gorgeability: I couldn't finish a single Oreo.

Verdict: 1 / 5 – one of the worst Oreos ever released, a stain on the brand.

Fruity Crisp Oreo: This Summer's Most Honest Cookie

Fruity Crisp Oreo

History: The Fruity Pebble Oreo was released in June 2016, in tandem with the previously reviewed Blueberry Pie Oreo. Cereal flavors aren't unprecedented; a Rice Crispy Oreo was released in 2014, and was actually very decent. Fruity Pebble Oreo seems strange, but - well, heck. Read on.

Cookie: Just more Golden. Nothing to see here. Move along.

Creme: Like many of the more "complex" specialty flavors, these feature a thicker creme than traditional Oreo, which has a chalkier creme. The creme tends to stretch, if you try. Which I did. I'm not sure you would, but for an Oreo reviewer, everything is up for consideration. Anyway, this creme is pretty delicious. A coworker pointed out it tastes like Fruity Pebble Breakfast bars, and he was right.on.the.money. Now, those taste like a bowl full of Fruity Pebbles + Milk, so if that's your only experience, just go on this. Unlike many fake flavors (lookin' at you, Blueberry / Strawberry / Watermelon), this flavor is very on-point and precisely what you would expect. That said, this also suffers from the 'too sweet' problem, wherein your mouth feels like you ate a spoon of sugar rather than a cookie. But that's the price you pay for speciality Oreos, I suppose.

Milk Taste-Test: My lactose intolerance has become so intense that I can't actually have milk with Oreos anymore. I'll make an exception when an exceptional cookie comes along, but this is not the cookie.

Gorgeability: Far, far too sweet. So sweet I could smell them through the ziploc full of cookies that were sitting in my metal filing cabinet at work today. I would never gorge these.

Verdict: 3 / 5. Sure, it's a bit too sweet, but the taste is actually really pretty decent. For a novelty Oreo, it tastes precisely how you would expect it to. And, heck. I like Fruity Pebbles pretty well.

Blueberry Pie Oreos Really Blew-Berry My Previously High Expectations by Being Lame.

Blueberry Pie Oreo

History: Blueberry Pie Oreos were released June 6th, limited to Target stores. Honestly? You'll probably be able to find them back-stocked for a few months to come. I recently helped at a food bank, and while sorting food found boxes and boxes of unpurchased Coconut Creme Oreos. This was after finding them at my local Target store for several months post-release. What I'm saying is, you shouldn't rush out to try these, both because there will be an ample supply but also because demand will be low - they're not very good.

Cookie: Point-blank: who gives a shit about Golden cookies. I know I don't. You know I don't. I know you might think you do, but you actually don't. They're definitely the lamest part of this cookie, bland, tasteless.

Creme: Have you ever eaten a Blueberry pop-tart? I hope you have, because those are pretty great. The Blueberry creme in the Blueberry Pie Oreo is like a lighter, less intense version of that filling, but with the nasty Oreo finish common in fruit varieties. That said, this creme isn't "bad," so much as it is totally unremarkable.

Milk Taste-Test: My lactose intolerance has become so intense that I can't actually have milk with Oreos anymore. I'll make an exception when an exceptional cookie comes along, but that is not this cookie.

Gorgeability: Not happening.

Verdict: 2 / 5 Oreos.  This was an unexceptional Oreo. I appreciate Nabisco branching into further fruit flavors; perhaps someday we will finally see Cherry, which I once had an intensely emotional dream about. But that's a story for another day.

Strawberry Shortcake Oreo: Short on Cake, Straw on Be - wait, what?

Strawberry Shortcake Oreos



History: Strawberry Shortcake Oreos were officially released on April 4th, 2016. They were the first 'spring' flavor of the year. In terms of 'strawberry' Oreo chronology, they are the fourth major release featuring the flavor, after 2010's Strawberries & Creme,  2011's Neopolitan Triple Double, and 2014's Banana Split. There were probably more, but I never tried them.

Cookie: A regular golden cookie. Indecent. The vanilla cookie is fine, and allows for the strawberry to be fully expressed. However, it doesn't add much to the 'shortcake' dynamic. A new cookie would have been appreciated.

Creme: The Strawberry Creme makes a star appearance, with only minor flavor variation.  It tastes like the milk you slurp up after a bowl of fruity cereal. Delicious. If you're a licker, note that the strawberry creme has a much softer, smoother texture than most cremes, which can tend to be a bit chalky. All-in-all, an excellent creme, if a little high on the 'sweet' scale. If you are averse to fake fruit flavors this might be more tolerable than most Oreos, but only by a smidgen.

Milk Taste-Test: Delicious, but not necessary. It only makes it taste more like the result of a finished bowel of Fruity Pebbles. Your mileage may vary.

Gorgeability: I ate two servings when I first opened the package. I could have eaten more but it hurt my tummy.

Verdict: 3/5. An inessential but inoffensive entry into the fruit Oreo canon. Essentially a re-release of Strawberry. Definitely the best since the legendary Strawberries & Creme Oreos, but inferior due to the lack of plain creme to mitigate the sweetness factor.