Close Encounters of the Doritorio Kind

Bloreog the Oreo Blog began five years ago. After half a decade of ardently following Nabisco's premiere snack cookie product, I want more. New flavors arrive every few months, but few inspire. Gingerbread was a decent Christmas treat; Java Chip is solid, but lacks punch; Brookie-O is a sugary mess best forgotten. Maple Oreos are a Fall family favorite but what is there to say? We've all had Maple cookies. We've all had Oreos. '

I needed something moreo.

On New Years Eve an old friend tweeted the Doritorio Meme. A Dorito flavored Oreo, combining two iconic snack treats into one? It's been a solid business model for fast-food corporations for the past decade, starting, if I recall, with the Doritos Locos Taco at Taco Bell. A classic! Still good! He joked: if only we had a machine that could create such a snack confection.

I do.

I have.

I've longed to sit down with OR3O, my first born son and closest friend, for awhile now, but he's been busy stored upside-down in a closet filled with miscellaneous crap.  Approaching the Doritorio problem,  I knew I needed his expertise. Ground rules were set by my wife: I was not allowed to use any good food in this quest, which meant none of the Queso in the fridge I'd planned to use as a substitute creme.

That was hurdle one. The second was that my original design called for home-made cheese crackers shaped like Oreos, but I am very lazy.

I settled for scraping off (most of) the creme from Winter Oreos I had hidden in OR3O a few months ago. Oreos stay good for a long time if you don't open them, but even open you can eat them for years, as long as you don't mind a chewy cookie. Some people even pay a premium for the pleasure of a chewy cookie. Suckers.

My stroke of genius came when I realized how to make a perfect Doritorio creme. I crushed up a small bag of Nacho Cheese Doritos and then mixed them with some week-old sour cream for thickness and texture. Not that the cream was rotten or anything, but it was the bottom of the tub and thus aged a little more than had I used a fresh one. Bold solutions call for bold flavors.

The result was a photogenic chunky filling, divergent from the traditionally smooth & chalky Oreo creme experience.

My wife was in the next room, trying as hard as she could to ignore my experimentation, which is fine, because true science is done without collaborators in a half-lit kitchen using baby utensils for precision. 

It's important to note she was nearby, because she heard my unintentional hurking when the sour-creme nacho-cheesy mess of crisp cookie and chippy chunks hit my taste buds. Quite vile! 

Like Icarus, I had flown too close to the sun.

I'd planned to continue experimenting with a few Oreo forms I have been dreaming of for years, but was told in no uncertain terms that she did not want to watch me vomit tonight, and that it was time to stop. Fair enough. A good scientist knows his limits. 

Next time I'll use Spicier Nacho, for that little extra "zing!"

tiramasu oreo: let me tell you about my dreams

let me tell you about my dreams

When I was a little boy I dreamed vividly. Mostly terrible visions. Roller coasters to hell. Laughing monsters. Cannibal giants.

As an adult those anxieties ceased. I don't remember my dreams as frequently. They fade, like everything else, as the days turn to weeks and the weeks into months and everything becomes a blur of brief anticipation, occurrence, and limited reflection. Night time is functional. I don't even like sleeping.

let me tell you about a dream I had in 2016:

I was in a library. The sort of rich library I live near - one with so much private investment that it has a glass atrium that seems to touch the sky, letting natural light illuminate the books. Books look better in sunlight. But I wasn't there for books. I was weighing a sophie's choice: would I purchase the Cherry Oreos, or the Wild Cherry Oreos? I couldn't decide. I couldn't taste them: I do not eat in dreams. I started to cry. I'd waited so long for a Cherry flavored Oreo, and now I was faced with an impossible decision.

I woke up in a sweat, you know. It happens. I never got my Cherry Oreos ( unless you count the god-awful Cherry Cola Oreos. You shouldn't ).  In my waking hours I've imagined other flavors. Peach. Green Tea. Blueberry (not pie). Those desires come true sometimes: Key Lime Pie, S'Mores, that sort of thing. I've been at this for a decade, and thus far only Cherry and a good Coffee flavor have eluded me. Recall that 2017's Mocha Oreos were so disappointing I stopped reviewing for over a year? It is what it is.

I don't dream at night as often anymore.

To be honest I had no idea what Tiramisu was before hearing about this Oreo. My wife disrespects that deficiency. It's fine. These Oreos are basically Nabisco's way of marketing a full-sized version of their (fantastic) Latte Thin, with an added bit of vanilla creme to cut the cappuccino flavoring. It is a good goddamn cookie, made for me and  packaged into $4 Limited Edition blue plastic. My brother dropped off two packages of Tiramisu Oreos on my doorstep at 2am one night. I was eagerly anticipating them. A bright light in a frustrating time.

Every night for the past six weeks I have fed my one year old son an Oreo after dinner. At the start of our lockdown I had my brother pick up a selection of flavors of him to try. Mint, Lemon, Dark Chocolate, and Regular. All proved popular (why not?). There is therapeutic benefit in watching your son eat an Oreo. Each cookie is the size of his hand. I can eat five in a sitting. He takes five minutes to eat one, bit by bit.

He has a word for them - 'na na na na.'

Sometimes he breaks his oreo in half. Sometimes he eats the cookie first, sometimes the opposite. One such time he let the klump of creme slide out of his mouth in one green minty mess which he then ate anyway. Sometimes it breaks in half and he loses a piece down his high chair, only to find it later after we've already removed the tray and washed his hands. He smiles when he does that. He smiles when he hears me opening the package, because he knows. When he doesn't get a cookie, he screams. I don't blame him.

The evening after my brother dropped off the Tiramisu Oreso off I  fed some to my son, unsure whether he would like the taste. They're not strong - still sweet - but different. It was clearly his most favorite. The creme is slightly softer than other varieties of Oreo, probably due to the dual-creme nature. His dessert time was messier. He was so happy. His cheeks were covered in creme and cookie.

na na na na. let me tell you about my dream.

100 Oreo Flavors: Ranked

In the past decade, I have tried (almost) every Oreo released with two caveats:

1) I am allergic to peanuts and any form of nut. Therefore, I have not tried and cannot rank: Peanut Butter, Reeses Peanut Butter, Rocky Road Trip, Pistachio, Hazelnut Spread, or PB&J Oreo.

2) Chocolate w/ Lemon Filling was never released in the Indianapolis Market or any market in which I have friends or relatives. Same with Orange Tang (only in the UAE) or many interesting flavors found only in Asian markets. These are not ranked, unless I had access to them via a gift from friends or family. I did once create a chocolate + lemon cookie on my own, but I won't rank it regardless.

Additionally, this ranking does not necessarily include certain shape-only variants, i.e. cookies where the only difference was the shape on the cookie itself with no difference in creme (taste or color). Football Oreo, Game of Thrones Oreo, etc. Just consider them ranked alongside Double-Stuf, which is what they usually are.

The ranking is from #100 (worst Oreo) to #1 (best Oreo). I would gladly try anything below #70 again, but my heart is with the bottom 30 or so.


Without further ado:

#	Ranked:
100	Hot Chicken Wing Oreo
99	Swedish Fish Oreo
98	Neopolitan Triple-Double Oreo
97	Wasabi Oreo
96	Reduced Fat Oreo
95	Kettle Corn Oreo
94	Cherry Cola Oreo
93	Watermelon Oreo
92	Cotton Candy Oreo
91	Chocolate Marshmellow Oreo
90	Chocolate Strawberry Oreo
89	Mystery Oreo 2 (Churro)
88	Mega Stuf Golden Oreo
87	Banana Split Oreo
86	Cookies & Creme Oreo
85	Marshmellow Crispie Oreo
84	Rainbow Sher, Bert! Oreo
83	Fruity Crisps Oreo
82	Mystery 1 (Fruity Crisps)
81	Candy Corn Oreo
80	Sugar Free Oreo
79	Jelly Donut Oreo
78	Cookie Dough Oreo
77	Fruit Punch Oreo
76	Berry Ice Cream Oreo
75	Filled Cupcake Oreo
74	Triple-Double Oreo
73	Mint Triple-Double Oreo
72	Cookie Dough Oreo
71	Peeps (Golden)
70	Troll Oreo (both)
69	Firework Oreo
68	Brownie Batter Oreo
67	Birthday Cake Oreo (Golden)
66	Birthday Cake Oreo
65	Peeps (Chocolate)
64	Love Oreo
63	Mega Stuf Oreo
62	Raspberry Fudge Creme
61	Fudge Covered Oreo
60	Fudge Covered Mint Oreo
59	Mint Cookies & Creme Oreo
58	Cookie Butter Oreo
57	Blueberry Pie Oreo
56	Apple Pie Oreo
55	DQ Blizzard
54	Mississppi Mud Pie
53	Orange Cremesicle
52	Easter Egg Oreo
51	Winter Oreo (Red)
50	Candy Cane Oreo
49	Most Stuf
48	Summer Oreo (Blue)
47	Spring Oreo (Yellow)
46	The American Creme (Red / White / Blue)
45	Choco Brownie
44	Golden Fudge Creme
43	Pina Colada Thins
42	Strawberry Shortcake Ice Cream Bar
41	Marshmellow Moon Oreo
40	Toasted Coconut Oreo
39	Dark Chocolate Creme
38	Chocolate Creme
37	Fudge Covered Dark Chocolate Oreo
36	Thins: Golden
35	Coconut Fudge Creme
34	Thins: Coconut
33	Peppermint Bark Oreo
32	Lemon Oreo
31	Fudge Creme
30	Red Velvet Oreo
29	Cinnamon Bun Oreo
28	Caramel Apple Oreo
27	Gingerbread Oreo
26	Golden Oreo
25	Heads or Tails Oreo
24	Maple Creme Oreo
23	Pumpkin Spice Oreo
22	Mint Fudge Creme
21	Caramel Coconut Oreo
20	White Chocolate Covered
19	Oreo Thins
18	Key Lime Pie
17	Hot & Spicy Cinnamon Oreo
16	Thins: Salted Caramel
15	Strawberry Milkshake
14	Birthday Cake Fudge Creme
13	Uh-Oh Oreo
12	Carrot Cake Oreo
11	Double-Stuf Oreo
10	Double-Stuf Golden
9	Thins: Mint Oreo
8	Root Beer Float Oreo
7	Thins: Latte Oreo
6	S'More Oreo
5	Waffles & Syrup Oreo
4	Halloween Oreo
3	Limeade Oreo
2	Mint Oreo
1	Oreo

Marshmellow Moon Oreos: That's Amoreo

[to the tune of That's Amore]

(In Nappy town where love is king
When boy meets cookie here's what they say)

When the marshmellow moon hits your mouth with its fume

That's amoreo

When the violet crème just makes you want to scream

That's amoreo

Buds will ring ting-a-ling-a-ling, ting-a-ling-a-ling

And you'll sing "vita nabiscoreo"

Hearts will beat tippy-tippy-tay, tippy-tippy-tay

Like a gay tarantula

When the shapes make you drool just like a complete fool

That's amoreo

When you down all three rows and you’re feeling real gross

That’s amoreo

When the world sugar hits hard and you can’t move your lard

That's amoreo

When your stomach feels poor but you need just one more -

Dreaming signoreo

Buds will ring ting-a-ling-a-ling, ting-a-ling-a-ling
And you'll sing "Vita nabiscoreo

Hearts will beat tippy-tippy-tay, tippy-tippy-tay
Like a gay tarantula

Lucky Fella

But the pack is all done, so you buy another one

That's amoreo

That's amoreo, (amoreo)
That's amoreo

S'More Sappy Oreo Nostalgia

S'More Sappy Posts about Oreo Cookies

S'More Oreos could be called Smoreos, but if they did that I would sue them for copyright infringement as the owner of any contraction – pun using the word “Oreo.” Put that between your cookies and toast it.

The first time these delightful cookies were released was back in April 2015, around the time I was leaving my job at Half-Price Books. That job is when all of this really started in earnest: I would buy packs of Oreos with the intention of bringing them in to see how my coworkers felt about them. Oreos were a part of my life before working at Half-Price but it wasn't until that job that I really had a way of not just eating a ton by myself and getting burned out. Bringing cookies to work has continued through other jobs to this day. I am introduced to new coworkers as “The Oreo Guy.”

My last month at Half-Price remains bittersweet. Every May I feel a wistful mixture of nostalgia and contemplation, the kind that only comes with knowing you closed out a period of your life in the right way. It's not a common feeling. I don't miss working at the bookstore, but think about parts of it frequently: long Saturdays spent buying books from customers; the transition from scorching temps out behind the building to the air conditioning after taking out he trash; standing at the register in a down period and looking up the long list of books I was hoping to buy from other stores; leaving that night knowing we'd done a good job, or at least an adequate one, prepared to come back 9 hours later and start the cycle all over again. Dealing with complicated customers. My coworkers, all practicing some kind of art or hobby that made me realize the best way to be an adult was to make something meaningful. I'd have never had the confidence to meet my wife if I hadn't had that job. I remember my goodbye party too, where I brought chocolate chip cookies with Oreos inside of them. Blue cookies Classic. Green for Mint. Red for S'Mores. Amazing. And my other goodbye party, where I got drunk in my coworker's back yard and made a giant S'More with big chocolate chip cookies, kit-kats, and other insane fixings. I could eat like that back then.

Most of all the feeling of belonging with a group of people in a way I had never felt before, and really haven't felt since. I've since belonged in different ways to different communities. What you need changes. But thank god I experienced that.

S'More Oreos showed up again in 2016 but by then I was in a much worse place. I'm better now. These cookies give me the right feelings. No negative associations.

Cookie: Graham Cracker.

Creme: Marshmallow + Milk Chocolate

Gorgeability: Incredible, maybe one of the most addicting Oreos of all time.

5/5

Do OR-3Os Dream of Electric Cream?

A Bloreogger is first and foremost an explorer. A thinker. An adventurer. Full commitment to our craft is always assured, dear reader. Yet from time to time readers ask me, "What do you think of Hydrox?" "What do you think of Duplex?" "What, Bloreogger, do you think of Cream Betweens."
I usually laugh and explain that I love all sandwich cookies equally, that some are better than others but any will do in a pinch. However, I do not review any "off-brand" delights.

This morning I was provided with a package of KaleidOs, the Kroger Supermarket version of Oreo. In my excitement I promised a review. A new frontier - but how could I manage this vast new array of treats without going insane again?

Explorer. Thinker. Adventurer. Scientist.

Introducing my new partner in this wonderful lifelong adventure: OR-3O the Oreoid.

I have decided to dedicate this Bloreog entry to the first test-run of OR-3O on the very KaleidOs that spawned his existence. As with any good scientist, I have documented the process.

OR-3O 1.0

1. Set-Up. OR-3O uses Firewire 3.0 for maximum speeds.

2. Cookie Calibration. I input the basic expectations for your average Oreo Cookie, roughly 5.0 ORs.

 3. Feeding. I make sure to provide both a full cookie as well as a split cookie. OR-3O is not yet waterproof, and therefore cannot run a Milk Taste Test.

4. I examine the results of our first test. You don't say, OR-3O.

1. IMPORT: KALEIDO
2. PROFILE: [CHOCOLATE COOKIE]
3. PROFILE: [VANILLA CREME]
4. BASE VALUE: 5.0
5. RUN SAMPLE = YES
6. TESTING
7. TESTING
8. TESTING
9. TESTING
10. VALUE: {CHOCOLATE} : 4.0 OR
11. VALUE: {CREME} : 5.0 OR
12. VALUE: {MILK TT} : ERROR
13. VALUE:  {GORGEABILITY} : 7
14. VALUE: {OVERALL SCORE} 4/5 
15. I LOVE YOU, FATHER.

Conclusions:

Once again I must take time to thank my brother Eric, who helped me construct this new tool for achieving my Bloreogging dreams.

OR-3O is proof that a dream followed is a dream achieved. But dreams alone won't always take you across the finish line. Study often, study hard. Put down those tablets and smartphones. Pick up a book. A galaxy of knowledge is available at your local library!

Most Stuf Oreo: Oreocalypse Now

Most Stuf Oreo

When I first accepted the Bloreogger life I knew what my choice meant. I would review every Oreo variety. Fruit Punch. Golden. Strawberry. Blueberry Pie. Apple Pie. Mint. Peppermint. Mint Chocolate Chip. Peeps. Peeps2.  Double-Stuf. “Mega Stuf.” Peeps. Mocha. Swedish Fish. Hot Chicken Wing. 

It was written I should be loyal to the nightmare of my cookie.

How do I get my Oreos? I keep an eye on Nabisco's press releases. I know my orders. A special trick? There's no trick. I just search, a linear hunt from store to store. Day to day. Week to week. Obsessively. Meijer, Target, Wal-mart, Dollar General. Walgreens, CVS, Kroger.  Regardless the flavor, the price, the calorie count. Regardless of whether I will even like them.

My brother Eric – bearded, congenial – works in the depths of the Carmel Meijer, managing their absurd and endless stream of new grocery product. He gives me a heads up sometimes. Today I was shopping there after work. He didn't know I was there, that I was in fact standing in the Cookie aisle.  I searched amongst the dozen varieties of cookies. Where were they? Nowhere to be found. 

I stood dejected, contemplating when I might see them. Should I purchase some other cookies to fill the void? No. I had only one target, and only that single target would complete my journey. 

I glanced at my phone. A text. From Eric. “I have something your heart most desires.” I knew immediately. This was it. We met by Electronics. He had two packages fresh from the crate. We rang them up on the spot. We opened the packages, each containing only 18 cookies.

I've written about Oreo Stuf before, and how the traditional cookie is a perfect ratio of chocolate cardboard + sugary something. Double-Stuf are inferior. Mega-Stuf are truly inferior. But Most Stuf are the cookie of our age, the end result of a Nabisco's decade of Oreo experimentation. Most Stuf Oreos are the cookie at the end of the river. Broken, shameless, but enlightened as to their purpose. The Most Stuf. Nothing more. And nothing less. Nothing left.

Eating Most Stuf Oreo: one bite contains the entire grainy Stuf substance of a lone traditional Oreo, but the cookie takes at least three bites to complete. An entire serving of Oreo in three bites. It fucks with you a little bit. Your tongue numbs. Your mouth fills with saliva. The immediate aftermath, a woozy feeling as the sugar hits. Disorientation. You can't stop. Continue. Complete the cookie. Drive home or sit down. Feel it hit your gut. Guilt? Pain. Realization. Actualization.

The horror, the horror.