Thursday, April 23, 2020

tiramasu oreo: let me tell you about my dreams



let me tell you about my dreams

When I was a little boy I dreamed vividly. Mostly terrible visions. Roller coasters to hell. Laughing monsters. Cannibal giants.

As an adult those anxieties ceased. I don't remember my dreams as frequently. They fade, like everything else, as the days turn to weeks and the weeks into months and everything becomes a blur of brief anticipation, occurrence, and limited reflection. Night time is functional. I don't even like sleeping.

let me tell you about a dream I had in 2016:

I was in a library. The sort of rich library I live near - one with so much private investment that it has a glass atrium that seems to touch the sky, letting natural light illuminate the books. Books look better in sunlight. But I wasn't there for books. I was weighing a sophie's choice: would I purchase the Cherry Oreos, or the Wild Cherry Oreos? I couldn't decide. I couldn't taste them: I do not eat in dreams. I started to cry. I'd waited so long for a Cherry flavored Oreo, and now I was faced with an impossible decision.

I woke up in a sweat, you know. It happens. I never got my Cherry Oreos ( unless you count the god-awful Cherry Cola Oreos. You shouldn't ).  In my waking hours I've imagined other flavors. Peach. Green Tea. Blueberry (not pie). Those desires come true sometimes: Key Lime Pie, S'Mores, that sort of thing. I've been at this for a decade, and thus far only Cherry and a good Coffee flavor have eluded me. Recall that 2017's Mocha Oreos were so disappointing I stopped reviewing for over a year? It is what it is.

I don't dream at night as often anymore.

To be honest I had no idea what Tiramisu was before hearing about this Oreo. My wife disrespects that deficiency. It's fine. These Oreos are basically Nabisco's way of marketing a full-sized version of their (fantastic) Latte Thin, with an added bit of vanilla creme to cut the cappuccino flavoring. It is a good goddamn cookie, made for me and  packaged into $4 Limited Edition blue plastic. My brother dropped off two packages of Tiramisu Oreos on my doorstep at 2am one night. I was eagerly anticipating them. A bright light in a frustrating time.

Every night for the past six weeks I have fed my one year old son an Oreo after dinner. At the start of our lockdown I had my brother pick up a selection of flavors of him to try. Mint, Lemon, Dark Chocolate, and Regular. All proved popular (why not?). There is therapeutic benefit in watching your son eat an Oreo. Each cookie is the size of his hand. I can eat five in a sitting. He takes five minutes to eat one, bit by bit.

He has a word for them - 'na na na na.'

Sometimes he breaks his oreo in half. Sometimes he eats the cookie first, sometimes the opposite. One such time he let the klump of creme slide out of his mouth in one green minty mess which he then ate anyway. Sometimes it breaks in half and he loses a piece down his high chair, only to find it later after we've already removed the tray and washed his hands. He smiles when he does that. He smiles when he hears me opening the package, because he knows. When he doesn't get a cookie, he screams. I don't blame him.

The evening after my brother dropped off the Tiramisu Oreso off I  fed some to my son, unsure whether he would like the taste. They're not strong - still sweet - but different. It was clearly his most favorite. The creme is slightly softer than other varieties of Oreo, probably due to the dual-creme nature. His dessert time was messier. He was so happy. His cheeks were covered in creme and cookie.

na na na na. let me tell you about my dream.



















Wednesday, April 1, 2020

100 Oreo Flavors: Ranked




In the past decade, I have tried (almost) every Oreo released with two caveats:

1) I am allergic to peanuts and any form of nut. Therefore, I have not tried and cannot rank: Peanut Butter, Reeses Peanut Butter, Rocky Road Trip, Pistachio, Hazelnut Spread, or PB&J Oreo.

2) Chocolate w/ Lemon Filling was never released in the Indianapolis Market or any market in which I have friends or relatives. Same with Orange Tang (only in the UAE) or many interesting flavors found only in Asian markets. These are not ranked, unless I had access to them via a gift from friends or family. I did once create a chocolate + lemon cookie on my own, but I won't rank it regardless.

Additionally, this ranking does not necessarily include certain shape-only variants, i.e. cookies where the only difference was the shape on the cookie itself with no difference in creme (taste or color). Football Oreo, Game of Thrones Oreo, etc. Just consider them ranked alongside Double-Stuf, which is what they usually are.

The ranking is from #100 (worst Oreo) to #1 (best Oreo). I would gladly try anything below #70 again, but my heart is with the bottom 30 or so.


Without further ado:



#Ranked:
100Hot Chicken Wing Oreo
99Swedish Fish Oreo
98Neopolitan Triple-Double Oreo
97Wasabi Oreo
96Reduced Fat Oreo
95Kettle Corn Oreo
94Cherry Cola Oreo
93Watermelon Oreo
92Cotton Candy Oreo
91Chocolate Marshmellow Oreo
90Chocolate Strawberry Oreo
89Mystery Oreo 2 (Churro)
88Mega Stuf Golden Oreo
87Banana Split Oreo
86Cookies & Creme Oreo
85Marshmellow Crispie Oreo
84Rainbow Sher, Bert! Oreo
83Fruity Crisps Oreo
82Mystery 1 (Fruity Crisps)
81Candy Corn Oreo
80Sugar Free Oreo
79Jelly Donut Oreo
78Cookie Dough Oreo
77Fruit Punch Oreo
76Berry Ice Cream Oreo
75Filled Cupcake Oreo
74Triple-Double Oreo
73Mint Triple-Double Oreo
72Cookie Dough Oreo
71Peeps (Golden)
70Troll Oreo (both)
69Firework Oreo
68Brownie Batter Oreo
67Birthday Cake Oreo (Golden)
66Birthday Cake Oreo
65Peeps (Chocolate)
64Love Oreo
63Mega Stuf Oreo
62Raspberry Fudge Creme
61Fudge Covered Oreo
60Fudge Covered Mint Oreo
59Mint Cookies & Creme Oreo
58Cookie Butter Oreo
57Blueberry Pie Oreo
56Apple Pie Oreo
55DQ Blizzard
54Mississppi Mud Pie
53Orange Cremesicle
52Easter Egg Oreo
51Winter Oreo (Red)
50Candy Cane Oreo
49Most Stuf
48Summer Oreo (Blue)
47Spring Oreo (Yellow)
46The American Creme (Red / White / Blue)
45Choco Brownie
44Golden Fudge Creme
43Pina Colada Thins
42Strawberry Shortcake Ice Cream Bar
41Marshmellow Moon Oreo
40Toasted Coconut Oreo
39Dark Chocolate Creme
38Chocolate Creme
37Fudge Covered Dark Chocolate Oreo
36Thins: Golden
35Coconut Fudge Creme
34Thins: Coconut
33Peppermint Bark Oreo
32Lemon Oreo
31Fudge Creme
30Red Velvet Oreo
29Cinnamon Bun Oreo
28Caramel Apple Oreo
27Gingerbread Oreo
26Golden Oreo
25Heads or Tails Oreo
24Maple Creme Oreo
23Pumpkin Spice Oreo
22Mint Fudge Creme
21Caramel Coconut Oreo


20White Chocolate Covered
19Oreo Thins
18Key Lime Pie
17Hot & Spicy Cinnamon Oreo
16Thins: Salted Caramel
15Strawberry Milkshake
14Birthday Cake Fudge Creme
13Uh-Oh Oreo
12Carrot Cake Oreo
11Double-Stuf Oreo
10Double-Stuf Golden
9Thins: Mint Oreo
8Root Beer Float Oreo
7Thins: Latte Oreo
6S'More Oreo
5Waffles & Syrup Oreo
4Halloween Oreo
3Limeade Oreo
2Mint Oreo
1Oreo