Thursday, April 23, 2020
tiramasu oreo: let me tell you about my dreams
let me tell you about my dreams
When I was a little boy I dreamed vividly. Mostly terrible visions. Roller coasters to hell. Laughing monsters. Cannibal giants.
As an adult those anxieties ceased. I don't remember my dreams as frequently. They fade, like everything else, as the days turn to weeks and the weeks into months and everything becomes a blur of brief anticipation, occurrence, and limited reflection. Night time is functional. I don't even like sleeping.
let me tell you about a dream I had in 2016:
I was in a library. The sort of rich library I live near - one with so much private investment that it has a glass atrium that seems to touch the sky, letting natural light illuminate the books. Books look better in sunlight. But I wasn't there for books. I was weighing a sophie's choice: would I purchase the Cherry Oreos, or the Wild Cherry Oreos? I couldn't decide. I couldn't taste them: I do not eat in dreams. I started to cry. I'd waited so long for a Cherry flavored Oreo, and now I was faced with an impossible decision.
I woke up in a sweat, you know. It happens. I never got my Cherry Oreos ( unless you count the god-awful Cherry Cola Oreos. You shouldn't ). In my waking hours I've imagined other flavors. Peach. Green Tea. Blueberry (not pie). Those desires come true sometimes: Key Lime Pie, S'Mores, that sort of thing. I've been at this for a decade, and thus far only Cherry and a good Coffee flavor have eluded me. Recall that 2017's Mocha Oreos were so disappointing I stopped reviewing for over a year? It is what it is.
I don't dream at night as often anymore.
To be honest I had no idea what Tiramisu was before hearing about this Oreo. My wife disrespects that deficiency. It's fine. These Oreos are basically Nabisco's way of marketing a full-sized version of their (fantastic) Latte Thin, with an added bit of vanilla creme to cut the cappuccino flavoring. It is a good goddamn cookie, made for me and packaged into $4 Limited Edition blue plastic. My brother dropped off two packages of Tiramisu Oreos on my doorstep at 2am one night. I was eagerly anticipating them. A bright light in a frustrating time.
Every night for the past six weeks I have fed my one year old son an Oreo after dinner. At the start of our lockdown I had my brother pick up a selection of flavors of him to try. Mint, Lemon, Dark Chocolate, and Regular. All proved popular (why not?). There is therapeutic benefit in watching your son eat an Oreo. Each cookie is the size of his hand. I can eat five in a sitting. He takes five minutes to eat one, bit by bit.
He has a word for them - 'na na na na.'
Sometimes he breaks his oreo in half. Sometimes he eats the cookie first, sometimes the opposite. One such time he let the klump of creme slide out of his mouth in one green minty mess which he then ate anyway. Sometimes it breaks in half and he loses a piece down his high chair, only to find it later after we've already removed the tray and washed his hands. He smiles when he does that. He smiles when he hears me opening the package, because he knows. When he doesn't get a cookie, he screams. I don't blame him.
The evening after my brother dropped off the Tiramisu Oreso off I fed some to my son, unsure whether he would like the taste. They're not strong - still sweet - but different. It was clearly his most favorite. The creme is slightly softer than other varieties of Oreo, probably due to the dual-creme nature. His dessert time was messier. He was so happy. His cheeks were covered in creme and cookie.
na na na na. let me tell you about my dream.
Wednesday, April 1, 2020
100 Oreo Flavors: Ranked
In the past decade, I have tried (almost) every Oreo released with two caveats:
1) I am allergic to peanuts and any form of nut. Therefore, I have not tried and cannot rank: Peanut Butter, Reeses Peanut Butter, Rocky Road Trip, Pistachio, Hazelnut Spread, or PB&J Oreo.
2) Chocolate w/ Lemon Filling was never released in the Indianapolis Market or any market in which I have friends or relatives. Same with Orange Tang (only in the UAE) or many interesting flavors found only in Asian markets. These are not ranked, unless I had access to them via a gift from friends or family. I did once create a chocolate + lemon cookie on my own, but I won't rank it regardless.
Additionally, this ranking does not necessarily include certain shape-only variants, i.e. cookies where the only difference was the shape on the cookie itself with no difference in creme (taste or color). Football Oreo, Game of Thrones Oreo, etc. Just consider them ranked alongside Double-Stuf, which is what they usually are.
The ranking is from #100 (worst Oreo) to #1 (best Oreo). I would gladly try anything below #70 again, but my heart is with the bottom 30 or so.
Without further ado:
# | Ranked: |
100 | Hot Chicken Wing Oreo |
99 | Swedish Fish Oreo |
98 | Neopolitan Triple-Double Oreo |
97 | Wasabi Oreo |
96 | Reduced Fat Oreo |
95 | Kettle Corn Oreo |
94 | Cherry Cola Oreo |
93 | Watermelon Oreo |
92 | Cotton Candy Oreo |
91 | Chocolate Marshmellow Oreo |
90 | Chocolate Strawberry Oreo |
89 | Mystery Oreo 2 (Churro) |
88 | Mega Stuf Golden Oreo |
87 | Banana Split Oreo |
86 | Cookies & Creme Oreo |
85 | Marshmellow Crispie Oreo |
84 | Rainbow Sher, Bert! Oreo |
83 | Fruity Crisps Oreo |
82 | Mystery 1 (Fruity Crisps) |
81 | Candy Corn Oreo |
80 | Sugar Free Oreo |
79 | Jelly Donut Oreo |
78 | Cookie Dough Oreo |
77 | Fruit Punch Oreo |
76 | Berry Ice Cream Oreo |
75 | Filled Cupcake Oreo |
74 | Triple-Double Oreo |
73 | Mint Triple-Double Oreo |
72 | Cookie Dough Oreo |
71 | Peeps (Golden) |
70 | Troll Oreo (both) |
69 | Firework Oreo |
68 | Brownie Batter Oreo |
67 | Birthday Cake Oreo (Golden) |
66 | Birthday Cake Oreo |
65 | Peeps (Chocolate) |
64 | Love Oreo |
63 | Mega Stuf Oreo |
62 | Raspberry Fudge Creme |
61 | Fudge Covered Oreo |
60 | Fudge Covered Mint Oreo |
59 | Mint Cookies & Creme Oreo |
58 | Cookie Butter Oreo |
57 | Blueberry Pie Oreo |
56 | Apple Pie Oreo |
55 | DQ Blizzard |
54 | Mississppi Mud Pie |
53 | Orange Cremesicle |
52 | Easter Egg Oreo |
51 | Winter Oreo (Red) |
50 | Candy Cane Oreo |
49 | Most Stuf |
48 | Summer Oreo (Blue) |
47 | Spring Oreo (Yellow) |
46 | The American Creme (Red / White / Blue) |
45 | Choco Brownie |
44 | Golden Fudge Creme |
43 | Pina Colada Thins |
42 | Strawberry Shortcake Ice Cream Bar |
41 | Marshmellow Moon Oreo |
40 | Toasted Coconut Oreo |
39 | Dark Chocolate Creme |
38 | Chocolate Creme |
37 | Fudge Covered Dark Chocolate Oreo |
36 | Thins: Golden |
35 | Coconut Fudge Creme |
34 | Thins: Coconut |
33 | Peppermint Bark Oreo |
32 | Lemon Oreo |
31 | Fudge Creme |
30 | Red Velvet Oreo |
29 | Cinnamon Bun Oreo |
28 | Caramel Apple Oreo |
27 | Gingerbread Oreo |
26 | Golden Oreo |
25 | Heads or Tails Oreo |
24 | Maple Creme Oreo |
23 | Pumpkin Spice Oreo |
22 | Mint Fudge Creme |
21 | Caramel Coconut Oreo |
20 | White Chocolate Covered |
19 | Oreo Thins |
18 | Key Lime Pie |
17 | Hot & Spicy Cinnamon Oreo |
16 | Thins: Salted Caramel |
15 | Strawberry Milkshake |
14 | Birthday Cake Fudge Creme |
13 | Uh-Oh Oreo |
12 | Carrot Cake Oreo |
11 | Double-Stuf Oreo |
10 | Double-Stuf Golden |
9 | Thins: Mint Oreo |
8 | Root Beer Float Oreo |
7 | Thins: Latte Oreo |
6 | S'More Oreo |
5 | Waffles & Syrup Oreo |
4 | Halloween Oreo |
3 | Limeade Oreo |
2 | Mint Oreo |
1 | Oreo |
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)